Tag Archives: parenting

Have you Got a Spare Button?

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I was at my daughter’s house this evening. I had to drop everything and rush over because we had a 3rd grade project due on Wednesday. My grand daughter said she could make 50 hair bows to sell at their year end school party. And when I say sell, I mean play money…the kind 8 and 9 year olds have. And when I say bows, I mean real bows, like the kind that need really expensive ribbon and hair clips. She proposed to her teacher that she could do this for under $15.

I asked my daughter how long she thought it would take to make 50 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Lets see….5 loaves of bread at $2.00 plus a jar of peanut butter at $6.00, plus a jar of jelly at $2.00. I’m getting $18.00 and about 2 hours labor…at least for me, at the minimum wage….is still more than $15.00!!!!!

Who the hell is running this project? Someone from China?? I don’t know what their minimum wage is there, but they certainly use child labor and now I’m wondering if feeding the children peanut butter and jelly sandwiches 3 times a day for a 10 hour work day is cost effective for them. Plus they are supplying room and board. What the F is going on in China? Now I’m upset but too old and tired to do anything about it. Anyhoo, we have 50 hair bows to make and we aren’t geared up for that kind of production.

So Nanny went to 5 different stores to find 50, 50!, hair clips at a cost of about $14.99. Yes, $15.00 for 50 fucking metal hair clips. I’m thinking China is on to something. I had the ribbon in my crap room but it still costs money. Charity really does start at home and if you have a 3rd grader with projects due in school, you will understand this.

So I’m at my daughter’s house and my grand daughter is kicking butt at making hair bows with the Bowdabra…. I also bought….for her to make 50! hair bows. My daughter reminded me that we needed to stay out of her project. Well, I guess I’m not involved with the shit load of crap I drove up to her house and the shit load of crap that I bought. Fine, I agreed to pretend we had nothing to do with this as long as she was the one who made the fucking hair bows. Now technically, the Bowdabra is mine so I can’t include it in the cost. But I never wanted a Bowdabra. I don’t know how to calculate the cost of me not wanting something. But now I own a Bowdabra.

The 50! hair bows were made by my grand daughter. But they looked like they needed a little something to pizazz them up. I agreed and I had already prepared for this. I had buttons and sparkly gems to glue into the centers of the 50! hair bows. We were running low on buttons for the center so I asked my daughter if she had any spare buttons. She said no. I said, “What! Where is your button jar?” She said maybe she would have one by the time she was 40 years old but right now she doesn’t have one. Her husband said, “How can you not have a button jar?!? I don’t know how to sew but I know you need a button jar to sew a button onto a shirt or a pair of pants occasionally. Did you ever do anything? How can you not have a button jar or know how to sew a button. My daughter said, “When I buy a shirt or pants, it usually comes with buttons.”

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Easy Potato Soup made Difficult

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Potato soup is awesome!  Potato’s are very popular and have been for at least a couple hundred years.  I wonder if potatoes ever get a big head and how you would know that…..  It must feel really good to be popular for 100’s of years.  I’ve never personally met an arrogant potato, but that’s just my experience.  If you think about it, any person would feel good to be popular at least through grade school.  So cud-do’s to potatoes for kicking it for so long.  The potato has got it all goin on.  You are a starchy, tuberous, delicious, delight…

Everyone should have potato SOUP at least once in their lifetime.  If not this one, then the next…please.  It’s simple, satisfying, and perhaps a little hob-nobberish if you call it Vichyssoise.   I think that’s French for “I’m better than you cause you didn’t know about potato soup.”

But when my daughter asked me for the recipe for the potato…things got a little weird.  For most families, this type of request wouldn’t be a problem….

“Hey Ma…how’d you make that potato soup?”

“No problem doll, I’ll email you the recipe right now.  it’s easy.”

“Love you!”

“Love you too!”

No such luck in this family.  Daughter is a little challenged in the kitchen.  I know this because she called to ask how she’ll know when water is boiling.  I told her she would see the bubbles.  She asked how big they should be….ahhhhhhh!!!!!

So I did my best to draft an email to my daughter about how to make delicious potato soup.

This is an almost exact draft of my email to her.

“Hello Beautiful,

here we go….i’m going to put as much detail into this as i possibly can. don’t call me! i won’t have anything else to say…ha.

1. take out a large pot, preferably a clean one, and put it on the stove.

2. turn the heat on to your medium setting. (that would be the burner with the clean, empty pot on it.)

3. grab a stick of butter out of the fridge. don’t worry about the empty pot sitting on the burner. put the stick of butter near your pot.

4. now go grab about 3 or 4 medium sized onions and cut them up how ever seems best to you. I usually just cut them into quarters. if you don’t know what a quarter is. I have failed you in your education.

5. go back to the empty pot with your onions and a box of kleenex because you’ll be crying by now, or you could just run your hands under cold water. dump the onions into the pot. now put about 1/2 a stick of butter into the same pot.   Go searching for the pot lid that you forgot to take out when you started. this should give the butter just enough time to start melting.

6. stir the mixture up. put in some salt and pepper. put in a little less than you think you need. you can always add more. put a lid on it.  walk away.

7. grab 5 or 6 big potatoes. peel them and start to cut them up. oops! better check on those onions. go to the oven and give the onion and butter mixture a good stir.  make sure it’s not burning.

8. finish cutting the potatoes. at least 5 to 7 minutes should have passed by now. dump the potatoes into the pot. add more butter, (1/2 a stick), salt and pepper.

9 put some water in your tea kettle. its time for a cup of jo….just kidding. boil at least 8 oz of water. go stir your mixture.

10. put 4 cubes of chicken bouillon in a mug so it can dissolve.(don’t forget to put the boiled water into the mug…that’s what dissolves the bouillon.) it’ll probably take about 3 minutes to dissolve. dump it into the mixture and stir. If the water level is too far below the mixture, add more water, don’t add so much that it comes over the mixture.

11. turn the heat to high and bring it to a boil.

12. then adjust the heat to a slow boil and cook for about 10 to 15 minutes. just stick a fork in a potato to see if its cooked.

13 the fun part….whip out your new, handy dandy whipper upper.

14. take the pot off the stove. turn off your heat. and start whipping. (keep the whipper submersed while you are whipping or you will be badly burned and your walls will have a funny onion smell).

15. when its mostly pureed, put in a huge, really big, probably just should’ve used 2 tablespoons, tablespoon of sour cream. then add about a 1/4 stick to 1/2 stick of cream cheese.

16. mix again

you’re a soup goddess now!”

She called me 6 times after this email.

  • 1st phone call: 3:24 pm

asked for the ingredients. FAIR ENOUGH. it is called potato soup so I didn’t think we’d have much trouble with that one. We were on the phone for about 4 minutes going over the minutia of potatoes. I learned alot.  Acme is having a sale on Green Giant Potatoes.

  • 2nd phone call: 4:38 pm

asked me how to find the email i sent her about the potato soup…..NOT FAIR!

  • 3rd phone call: 5:36 pm

told me that the onions might be burning and asked what to do…….Well……..just turn the heat up dear!

  • 4th phone call: 6:03 pm

told me that the 8 oz of water didn’t seem like enough to boil the mixture in. I told her that I didn’t know how big or what size pot she was using so she would have to make that water level decision without me. But she did understand what I meant about the pot size and the water level.! Besides that, I already addressed that situation in #10.

  • 5th phone call: 6:46pm

told me that she put a fork in one potato and it split. but then she tested another one and it didn’t split quite the same way. I said, “You’re Done and so are the potatoes! move on to the next step.”

  • 6th phone call: 7:01pm

wanted to know if the mixer got hot while you were whipping HOT potato soup! I said she should re-read the directions for the mixer and the soup. I wasn’t supposed to get any phone calls.

Love,

Mom

Just Another Friday Night…at home with the kids

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Just Another Friday night at home with the kids.

Mommy:  Ha ha ha.  That’s so funny.  Ha ha ha.  That’s funny too.

Kids:  We like it too mom…

Mommy:  Ohhh!  Shh…Shh…This is my favorite show.  Oh my gosh…look at that beautiful…look at what she’s wearing..look at those beautiful shoes!  Ohhh!  She got a new purse!

Mommy pouting:  I want one of them!  How come you never get me stuff like that?

Kids yelling:  Yeah Dad!  How come you never get us stuff like that?

Daddy jumping up:  You stupid bitch!

Mommy:  NO!  The kids are watching……………………………………………………………..

Daddy:  Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you started talking about that goddamn purse!

Mommy:  But..the..kids..are..watching…..TV!  I…give…up.  You…win.  That’s not funny.

Daddy to daughter:  Your mother keeps interrupting the show.  But we worked it all out.

Mommy:  That’s right honey.  Everything is all better now.  Now, all of you, get to bed!  Go on.  Right now!

 

10 minutes later….

Daddy:  You should stop doing that.

Mommy:  Doing this?

Daddy:  No.  Not this.  Did I say this?  No.  I said that.  Maybe if I were a TV show you’d listen to me.

Mommy:  Ha ha ha.  Your so funny.  But I still don’t know what you want me to stop doing.

Daddy:  You should stop putting the kids to bed without reading to them.  The TV says that it makes them dumb.

Mommy:  When did the TV say that?

Daddy:  I saw it on Oprah today.

Mommy:  Wowww!  You mean all I have to do is read to the kids and they’ll be smart?

Daddy:  Guaranteed!  I told you dumb-ass…I saw it on Oprah.

Help Free BARBIE!

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How can millions of Americans stand idly by while packagers strap Barbie, and her friends, down by the head, neck, arms, waist, and legs?  (Mattel, the world’s largest toy company – based on revenue, closed it’s last US manufacturing plant in 2002.  China now makes our favorite toy!)  We have to help free Barbie and I have some solutions.

Put her in a box.  It’s made out of paper and is biodegradable.  No research or rocket science involved in making boxes.  Guess which countries produce the most paper in the world?  The good ole’ US of A and Canada.  Which state produces the most paper?  Wisconsin.   No reason for alarm from tree-huggers either because today most paper is made from a combination of recycled materials, hemp, and kenaf (Google that shit).

Use a piece of tape or two to keep the box closed until Barbie reaches her final destination.  I don’t know anything about tape except that it is awesome.  It might be biodegradable, it might not be.  OK – I just Googled that – Cellulose tape is biodegradable. Decorate the box with all things Barbie and put a picture of what you’re getting on the front.  That way, when you open the box, you can see that the picture matches what’s inside the box.  (BRILLIANT!)

Once you’ve got your new Barbie, throw the box in the trash.

WAIT!  I know what you’re thinking.  That box is way to cute to throw away.  Here are some things to do with your new Barbie box:

1.)  Make a Barbie Bed.  Everyone deserves a safe, comfortable place of their own to sleep.

You can’t make a bed out of this:  (remnants of the plastic packaging.  I know… it’s hard to see.)

2.)  Store some of your old stuff in your new box.  But if you do that you should probably change the picture on the front so you don’t confuse yourself.

3.)  Make a birdhouse out of the box.  Just kidding…I bought the birdhouse.  But those Martha Stewart types could birdhouse the shit out of that box!

Help free Barbie, save the environment, and bring jobs to the United States!  Just say, “NO!” to sadistic plastic packaging.

Here is how you say, “NO!”:

Step 1.  Email Mattel and tell them that you won’t buy anything Barbie until they free Barbie!  (Buy your favorite Barbie first – then boycott Mattel).

Step 2.  Email Michael Moore…He’s awesome at stuff like this.

Step 3.  Tell everyone on Facebook to do the same thing.  The same thing is to email Mattel…(go back to step 1.).

Don’t get me wrong.  I Love Plastic.  Barbie and a lot of really great people are made of plastic.  But in the packaging department it is just not working and China doesn’t have to clean up the plastic packaging mess they are making…We do!

Notes to Mattel:

  • Don’t steal my idea about selling a Barbie… in a box… that is a bed.  I will sue you.
  • Bugger off the kids imagination.  Just give us the doll, in a cardboard box, and walk away.
  • If you need some solutions for store displays, call me.  I’ve been thinking about it and have some really good ideas.