Tag Archives: humor

Notes on Being Ill

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i don’t know about you, but every time I get sick I think I have cancer. A cough and/or upper respiratory infection is lung cancer. A headache is a brain tumor. Diarrhea is colon cancer, and indigestion is esophageal cancer or possibly a heart attack. Uaually it just turns out that I had a cough, a headache, diarrhea, or indigestion.

Since I’ve been sick for almost 2 weeks with an upper respiratory infection, I’ve been getting my affairs in order for the inevitable  I pulled out the photo albums and looked through pictures of my loving family who I will probably never see again.  I wondered if they would miss me as much as I am missing them right now.  I cried for them and I cried for me. Then I moved on to cursing the ones who could care less about me and banished them from my impending funeral.  i wondered if the little ones would even remember me and pulled out the calculator to figure out exactly how long I had to live to stay in their memories   Two six year olds, divided by memory, divided by awesome things I did for them, equals at least three more years.  “OMG!,” I thought to myself “could I hang on another 3 years?”

Then I cursed myself for not updating my will and considered writing an addendum  I felt too sick to pull out a pen and paper.  This confirmed to me that I was about to die  I grabbed a box of Kleenex and cried and coughed up flem all night.  “Do I still want my fiefdom divided the way I wanted it divided last year?  I need to change my will because I’m sure I’m fighting with a different family member this year.  Come to think of it, maybe I should just divide the fiefdom equally because every year someone in the family has made amends for being an asshole and someone else takes over the role of asshole.  It’s  like musical assholes around here.”

Anyhoo, back to the point  I’m sick and probably dying of lung cancer…based on the cough and upper respiratory infection.

My gooogle search for home remedies convinced me that I was, indeed, dying of lung cancer.  I switched my search to cancer cures and found out that stress, lack of oxygen, lack of water, and a poor diet were the root causes of my self-diagnosed cancer.

Where the fuck can I find oxygen?  I thought it was in the air we breathe.  Do they sell that shit online?  I couldn’t find it anywhere, not even on Amazon.

Then I remembered grade school:  trees take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen  Humans take in oxygen and release carbon dioxide   So I googled trees and found out that one large tree can supply enough oxygen for 4 adults  Perfect.  I whipped out the calculator.  I have six large trees in my yard, divided by one adult, divided by small birds and maybe the occasional owl, definitely divided by squirrels, equals…..I’m killing my trees!  I need more adults to balance this ecosystem

So now I’m thinking maybe I have too much oxygen, not enough roommates, too many fucking squirrels, and not enough doctors.  Not to mention I’d prefer death than having to eat seaweed everyday for the rest of my life.

Then I read the very fine print on the cancer cure websites  It said they were not medical doctors and neither are you.  It said that they only practice in quackery and if you’ve been sick more than a week, you should consult a doctor now asshole instead of believing everything you read online

So maybe I’m the asshole in the family this year.  I can live with that.  I’m  not in my will.

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Easy Potato Soup made Difficult

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Potato soup is awesome!  Potato’s are very popular and have been for at least a couple hundred years.  I wonder if potatoes ever get a big head and how you would know that…..  It must feel really good to be popular for 100’s of years.  I’ve never personally met an arrogant potato, but that’s just my experience.  If you think about it, any person would feel good to be popular at least through grade school.  So cud-do’s to potatoes for kicking it for so long.  The potato has got it all goin on.  You are a starchy, tuberous, delicious, delight…

Everyone should have potato SOUP at least once in their lifetime.  If not this one, then the next…please.  It’s simple, satisfying, and perhaps a little hob-nobberish if you call it Vichyssoise.   I think that’s French for “I’m better than you cause you didn’t know about potato soup.”

But when my daughter asked me for the recipe for the potato…things got a little weird.  For most families, this type of request wouldn’t be a problem….

“Hey Ma…how’d you make that potato soup?”

“No problem doll, I’ll email you the recipe right now.  it’s easy.”

“Love you!”

“Love you too!”

No such luck in this family.  Daughter is a little challenged in the kitchen.  I know this because she called to ask how she’ll know when water is boiling.  I told her she would see the bubbles.  She asked how big they should be….ahhhhhhh!!!!!

So I did my best to draft an email to my daughter about how to make delicious potato soup.

This is an almost exact draft of my email to her.

“Hello Beautiful,

here we go….i’m going to put as much detail into this as i possibly can. don’t call me! i won’t have anything else to say…ha.

1. take out a large pot, preferably a clean one, and put it on the stove.

2. turn the heat on to your medium setting. (that would be the burner with the clean, empty pot on it.)

3. grab a stick of butter out of the fridge. don’t worry about the empty pot sitting on the burner. put the stick of butter near your pot.

4. now go grab about 3 or 4 medium sized onions and cut them up how ever seems best to you. I usually just cut them into quarters. if you don’t know what a quarter is. I have failed you in your education.

5. go back to the empty pot with your onions and a box of kleenex because you’ll be crying by now, or you could just run your hands under cold water. dump the onions into the pot. now put about 1/2 a stick of butter into the same pot.   Go searching for the pot lid that you forgot to take out when you started. this should give the butter just enough time to start melting.

6. stir the mixture up. put in some salt and pepper. put in a little less than you think you need. you can always add more. put a lid on it.  walk away.

7. grab 5 or 6 big potatoes. peel them and start to cut them up. oops! better check on those onions. go to the oven and give the onion and butter mixture a good stir.  make sure it’s not burning.

8. finish cutting the potatoes. at least 5 to 7 minutes should have passed by now. dump the potatoes into the pot. add more butter, (1/2 a stick), salt and pepper.

9 put some water in your tea kettle. its time for a cup of jo….just kidding. boil at least 8 oz of water. go stir your mixture.

10. put 4 cubes of chicken bouillon in a mug so it can dissolve.(don’t forget to put the boiled water into the mug…that’s what dissolves the bouillon.) it’ll probably take about 3 minutes to dissolve. dump it into the mixture and stir. If the water level is too far below the mixture, add more water, don’t add so much that it comes over the mixture.

11. turn the heat to high and bring it to a boil.

12. then adjust the heat to a slow boil and cook for about 10 to 15 minutes. just stick a fork in a potato to see if its cooked.

13 the fun part….whip out your new, handy dandy whipper upper.

14. take the pot off the stove. turn off your heat. and start whipping. (keep the whipper submersed while you are whipping or you will be badly burned and your walls will have a funny onion smell).

15. when its mostly pureed, put in a huge, really big, probably just should’ve used 2 tablespoons, tablespoon of sour cream. then add about a 1/4 stick to 1/2 stick of cream cheese.

16. mix again

you’re a soup goddess now!”

She called me 6 times after this email.

  • 1st phone call: 3:24 pm

asked for the ingredients. FAIR ENOUGH. it is called potato soup so I didn’t think we’d have much trouble with that one. We were on the phone for about 4 minutes going over the minutia of potatoes. I learned alot.  Acme is having a sale on Green Giant Potatoes.

  • 2nd phone call: 4:38 pm

asked me how to find the email i sent her about the potato soup…..NOT FAIR!

  • 3rd phone call: 5:36 pm

told me that the onions might be burning and asked what to do…….Well……..just turn the heat up dear!

  • 4th phone call: 6:03 pm

told me that the 8 oz of water didn’t seem like enough to boil the mixture in. I told her that I didn’t know how big or what size pot she was using so she would have to make that water level decision without me. But she did understand what I meant about the pot size and the water level.! Besides that, I already addressed that situation in #10.

  • 5th phone call: 6:46pm

told me that she put a fork in one potato and it split. but then she tested another one and it didn’t split quite the same way. I said, “You’re Done and so are the potatoes! move on to the next step.”

  • 6th phone call: 7:01pm

wanted to know if the mixer got hot while you were whipping HOT potato soup! I said she should re-read the directions for the mixer and the soup. I wasn’t supposed to get any phone calls.

Love,

Mom

Why the Easter Bunny should be a Chicken

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There are a lot of reasons why the Easter Bunny should be a chicken.

  1. Why does the bunny leave eggs?  If I weren’t so lazy I would google that.  But I am.  And I am.
  2. I don’t know about you, but I eat CHICKEN on Easter.  Maybe a turkey if someone I know would return my roasting pan!
  3. Bunnies are really hard to eat…they are just so adorable!  Soft, cuddly…ok…they eat your electrical wire but you should know that by now from all your friends who tried to warn you.  But that is the lure of the cuddly bunny.  It is powerful.
  4. I never heard one person say that they wanted to cuddle with a chicken.  I guess that’s why we eat them.
  5. Chickens, like Bunnies, are pretty quick.  I think they could get the job done even faster than a bunny.
  6. I think if Chickens were in charge of Easter we’d have even more eggs!
  7. Chickens need a whole new marketing campaign.  They are way to edible to be a spokesperson for any holiday although they supply almost every holiday with delicious delights.  Afflac seems to be doing really well with the chicken.  Maybe we should ask them.
  8. Whose in charge of these chickens!  They should be fired immediately until we get some better holiday results.
  9. Would anybody be willing to eat a bunny or its offspring?  I don’t know about eating them….but then again I’m not starving.  I do love their fur.  I would totally go for that as long as I didn’t have to be the one to scalp a cute, adorable, little, cuddly bunny.
  10. Perhaps the mystery of the egg laying bunny at Easter time will just continue to go on until people realize that bunnies don’t lay eggs.  Chickens do…All hail the chicken!

Top ten reasons why blogging sucks

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1.  Why am I even blogging?  Who cares?

2.  Oh….that’s right…I’m blogging because I can’t drunk text and drive anymore.  I used to do a lot of drunk texting and driving but that got me into trouble with the law enforcement agencies and the people who serve them in my town.   Now I have to settle for talking to strangers behind the wheel of my computer.

3.  Come to think of it, why is it so much harder to drive slow than to drive fast?

4.  Ok.  Back to the point.  I think I’m on number 3 because I got distracted.  I hate blogging because everyone has a 100 day challenge.  Why put so much pressure on yourself?  Your just setting yourself up for failure and more drunk texting and driving when you realize there are real writers in this universe who know what they are doing and have been practicing for a long time.  Don’t be discouraged…if you keep it up long enough you may be a real rabbit too someday.

5.   How do you categorize blogs?  …………………

6.  I mean…I think my blogs are funny…

7.  You see what I mean about why blogging sucks.  Maybe I should have posted that under mental illness.

8.  Do people follow me because they want to be followed or are they following me because they think I’m funny…which is where I post most of my blogs…and mental illness.

9.  Just how much time do I have to devote myself to blogging?  Who’s gonna do the dishes, wash the clothes, and plow the field?  That shit takes time…valuable time away from blogging.

10.  I’ll never be able to do a 100 day challenge and that makes me feel like I’m not a real blogger…but it also makes me feel good about myself.  I’m a rebel…a real pretend blogger.

Just Another Friday Night…at home with the kids

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Just Another Friday night at home with the kids.

Mommy:  Ha ha ha.  That’s so funny.  Ha ha ha.  That’s funny too.

Kids:  We like it too mom…

Mommy:  Ohhh!  Shh…Shh…This is my favorite show.  Oh my gosh…look at that beautiful…look at what she’s wearing..look at those beautiful shoes!  Ohhh!  She got a new purse!

Mommy pouting:  I want one of them!  How come you never get me stuff like that?

Kids yelling:  Yeah Dad!  How come you never get us stuff like that?

Daddy jumping up:  You stupid bitch!

Mommy:  NO!  The kids are watching……………………………………………………………..

Daddy:  Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you started talking about that goddamn purse!

Mommy:  But..the..kids..are..watching…..TV!  I…give…up.  You…win.  That’s not funny.

Daddy to daughter:  Your mother keeps interrupting the show.  But we worked it all out.

Mommy:  That’s right honey.  Everything is all better now.  Now, all of you, get to bed!  Go on.  Right now!

 

10 minutes later….

Daddy:  You should stop doing that.

Mommy:  Doing this?

Daddy:  No.  Not this.  Did I say this?  No.  I said that.  Maybe if I were a TV show you’d listen to me.

Mommy:  Ha ha ha.  Your so funny.  But I still don’t know what you want me to stop doing.

Daddy:  You should stop putting the kids to bed without reading to them.  The TV says that it makes them dumb.

Mommy:  When did the TV say that?

Daddy:  I saw it on Oprah today.

Mommy:  Wowww!  You mean all I have to do is read to the kids and they’ll be smart?

Daddy:  Guaranteed!  I told you dumb-ass…I saw it on Oprah.

BARBIE gets a DUI

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Good Evening and welcome to the I.C.U. News Network.  I’m Icey Mee and we’ll be looking at a story tonight that is making headlines on all the other news stations.  We believe, that on some of the other networks, the DRs DREW too many conclusions without enough facts in the BARBIE DUI arrest.  We’ll speak with the arresting officer, Dick Shankly, and Ms. BARBIE’s publicist, Justine Thyme.  Let’s take a look at the story and you be the judge.

This afternoon, in Miami, FLA., Ms. BARBIE was arrested and charged with DUI.  This is the mugshot released by the Miami-Dade County Sheriff’s Department:

In part of a statement, released earlier by her publicist, Ms. BARBIE said that the police department chose the worst photo and that she didn’t look that way at all until after being mistreated by the arresting officer.  We here at I.C.U. thought the photos you are about to see were pretty compelling and corroborated Ms. BARBIE’s statement.  We reached out, via webcam, to the arresting officer, Dick Shankly, and asked him what he thought about the photos you are about to see and Ms. BARBIE’s allegations.

Icey Mee:  Good evening Officer Dick and welcome to our program.  We were wondering what you think about the statements made by Ms. BARBIE in reference to this photo behind me and her alleged mistreatment by you?

Officer Dick:  She wasn’t treated any differently than any body else that breaks the law.

Icey Mee:  (pointing to his hand in BARBIE’s hoohaa).  So you’re saying you pat everyone down like this?

Officer Dick:  Our first job is to stay safe and we routinely check for hidden weapons.

Icey Mee:  She’s wearing a bathing suit.  Don’t you think you would have seen a weapon?

Officer Dick:  (shakes his head indignantly and giggles).  Take it from me, Ms. Mee, I know how to do my job.

Icey Mee:  (pointing to the next phot0).  And what about this photo of Ms. BARBIE in shackles?  Isn’t this a little, oh, I don’t know, overkill?

Officer Dick:  When you break the law, you break the law.

Icey Mee:  The information we’re getting is that BARBIE wasn’t driving, that she was parked.  What law did she break?

Officer Dick:  No open alcohol containers in a car, no drinking in a car, no drinking near a car, no drinking while you’re holding car keys, no loud music while you’re drinking, contributing to the delinquency of a dog, and her left brake light was out.   She’s really a rotten apple.

Icey Mee:  I see.  And what about this photo, that an anonymous source released, from the hospital where you took Ms. BARBIE to be blood-letted, I mean for a blood-alcohol test?

Officer Dick:  Standard Operating Procedure.  Like I said, when you break the law, you break the law and we can’t take a chance on the suspect overpowering us or fleeing the scene.

Icey Mee:  Is it very often that a 100 lb. woman in high heels, who’s been drinking, overpowers you and flees?  I was led to believe that motor skills were severely impaired while drinking.

Officer Dick:  (squealing like a little girl).  You’d be surprised what a woman can do with high heels…and long fingernails.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time Officer Dick.

 

Next, to discuss more on this story is Justine Thyme, Ms. BARBIE’s publicist and close friend.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for joining us here at our studios Mrs. Thyme.  Can you tell us how Ms. BARBIE is doing?

Mrs. Thyme:  Thank you very much for having me on your show.  BARBIE is, rightly so, very upset.  She feels that she has been treated like an animal.  And that Dick you just talked to…he needs to have his head examined.  This is another Rodney King.  These Officers of the Law can’t just go around abusing any person they come in contact with this way!  They still treat my father that way for a speeding ticket.  My brother can’t walk to the corner store without being stared down, harassed, or questioned about where he’s going and what he’s doing.  All any other network wants to talk about is BARBIE got a DUI, BARBIE got a DUI, BARBIE got a DUI.  When they gonna wise up and see what’s going on?  The pictures are right in front of their…(interrupted by Icey Mee).

Icey Mee:  The photos are quite alarming, even to the untrained eye.  What do you think is going on?

Mrs. Thyme:  Think?  I know what’s going on.  It’s been going on in my community since they packed us in like rats for our first boat ride.  You give anybody that kind of power and a gun!  It goes straight to the dopamine center of the brain. Straight to the center of the brain.  Oh, I know what’s going on.  BARBIE wasn’t even driving her BARBIE jeep.  It was parked.  It…was…a…parked…car.  She just finished a photo shoot with one of her sponsors, BARBIE BEER.  She was arrested for drinking while sitting.  Who gets arrested for that?

Icey Mee:  Is there an explanation as to why she was drinking in the jeep?

Mrs. Thyme:  Her contract clearly stated that she had to stay at the shoot location for an after party.  She was tired from the photo shoot.  She wanted to sit down.  And besides, she is also a sponsor for BARBIE Jeep so she thought she’d kill two birds with one stone and drink her BARBIE BEER in her BARBIE Jeep.  Well, that stone must have hit Officer Dick in the head cause no one I know, who’s not mentally impaired, lacks that much judgement.  And since when is it a crime to party at the beach?  The last time I checked…(interrupted by Icey Mee).

Icey Mee:  So are you saying that BARBIE BEER encouraged Ms. BARBIE to continue drinking BARBIE BEER after the photo shoot?

Mrs. Thyme:  Yes.  It was a part of the contract.  First there was the photo shoot and then the after party.  BARBIE was under contract to be there.  Period.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time.  We look forward to an update on this story.

Mrs. Thyme:  My pleasure.

 

BARBIE BEER has denied that BARBIE was working for them at the time of her arrest.  They do confirm that she was doing a photo shoot for them earlier that afternoon but said that it did not involve the consumption of any alcohol.

I’d like to thank our guests and viewers.  This is Icey Mee for the I.C.U. Network.  Join us next time and have a great night.

 

 

Catholicism gets a Make Over

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Good Evening and thank you for joining us here on the I.C.U. News Network.  I’m your host, Icey Mee.

Tonight I’ll be sitting down with the Vatican’s publicist, Cardinal Giavani Gianini Giavanio.  We’ll discuss today’s announcement regarding a make-over for Catholicism.  We’ll talk about why they’re doing it and what it means for you.  We’ll also be joined by CEO of Global Marketing, Inc., Iam Smartley.  This is the American Corporation hired by the Vatican to make-over the Church.

Icey Mee:  Good evening gentlemen.  Let’s begin.  Shall we?  Why the make-over?

Giavanio:  We’re concerned that evil is growing and that we are losing customers…I mean followers to Atheism, Buddhism, and Islamism.  (Smartley nods in agreement.  Icey Mee turns her attention to him).

Smartley:  I agree.  We’ve been watching this trend away from Catholicism for a number of years.  I reached out to Cardinal Giavanio and we had our first meeting about 6 months ago.  Our firm, Global Marketing, Inc., has since come up with some really good ideas to help rebuild their business…I mean following.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling) We are in the business of saving sooouuullss….Aaaaaaamen.

Icey Mee:  You say that your firm has come up with some good ideas.  Can you tell our viewers one of them?

Smartley:  Sure.  First of all, and after a tremendous amount of research and work by Global Marketing, Inc., we believe that the Church is dating itself with words like THEE, THY, and THOU.  We’d like to re-write…I mean update the bible a little.  You know, put it in a language the common man can relate to.  For example, instead of saying, “THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT MURDER,” say something like, ” Hey people, don’t kill anybody!  You think your life is lousy now?  Wait till you’re rotting in solitary confinement and pooping on yourself.”  We think that terminology like that really drives the point home.  You got your action and your consequences all in a couple effective sentences.

Icey Mee:  Do you think that changing a holy text would ruffle some feathers?

Giavanio:  (turns to Sharkley)  We did have that back lash when we changed from Latin to English.  And the King James Bible…(cut off by Sharkley)

Smartley:  But over all consumption…I mean following increased.  We think a new re-write…I mean update, will do the same thing.

Icey Mee:  I hear you say that you’d like to change the language of Catholicism.  What else do you believe is responsible for the decline in followers?

Smartley:  Our research indicates that the Church needs to focus more on its’ core competency, The Seven Deadly Sins.  All anyone hears about anymore is one sex scandal after another.  We know that getting the Church to focus on all seven of those sins is the key to success in this global economy.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling)  We are in the business of saving sooouuulllsss…Aaaamen.

Icey Mee:  Can you tell our viewers a little bit about your global marketing strategy?

Smartley:  We’ll have targeted marketing, of course, for different countries and continents.  For example, in the United States, although we’ll market…I mean talk about all the Seven Deadly sins, we’ll target greed and gluttony.  The people at Global Marketing, Inc. came up with some very effective ideas to get the word out about the new changes to Catholicism without it feeling like a make-over.  We have a book scheduled to hit stores, in about a month, called “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.”

Icey Mee:  Ohhh!  Can you share some “evil calorie burning” tips with us?

Smartley:  Sure!  One suggestion is instead of going to a fast food restaurant every evening, go once a week.  The other 6 nights go to Church and donate the money you would have spent on food.  If you’re still hungry when you leave church, you won’t have the money for the fast food.  BAM!  You’ve just burned 1500 evil calories.  We’re also partnering up with McDonald’s for that one night a week you do go out for fast food.  They have agreed to create a meal just for Catholics.  It’ll be called the “McJesus Meal.”  It comes with a fish sandwich, fries, holy water, and some figs for dessert.  If you agree to give a $1.00 donation at the checkout, you’ll get a bumper sticker that says, “Anybody that doesn’t love JESUS can and will go to HELL!

Icey Mee:  Can you tell us where the money from donations, book sales, and McDonalds’ sales will go?

Smartley:  We will use it to pay for the publication of “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.”  Those books don’t write themselves and Global Marketing, Inc put the money up front.  We’re also looking forward to publishing another book for the USA, targeted at greed.  It will be called, “Big Spiritual Bucks, A Catholics guide to imagining you have money.”  Whatever is left over after that, our operating expenses, and the Vatican’s operating expenses will go to help the poor.

Icey Mee:  How do you think people will react to the idea of giving away more, of the little money they have, to the Catholic Church during these tough economic times?

Smartley:  We’re not asking them to “give” away their money.  We’re helping them burn calories and rid themselves of their worldly possessions so they’ll look good when they enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling a ling)  We’re in the business of saving sooouuullsss…Aaaaamen.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time gentlemen.  It’s been an enlightening conversation.

This is Icey Mee and you heard it first!  Live from the Vatican.  Signing off until the next big story.