Tag Archives: funny

Have you Got a Spare Button?

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I was at my daughter’s house this evening. I had to drop everything and rush over because we had a 3rd grade project due on Wednesday. My grand daughter said she could make 50 hair bows to sell at their year end school party. And when I say sell, I mean play money…the kind 8 and 9 year olds have. And when I say bows, I mean real bows, like the kind that need really expensive ribbon and hair clips. She proposed to her teacher that she could do this for under $15.

I asked my daughter how long she thought it would take to make 50 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Lets see….5 loaves of bread at $2.00 plus a jar of peanut butter at $6.00, plus a jar of jelly at $2.00. I’m getting $18.00 and about 2 hours labor…at least for me, at the minimum wage….is still more than $15.00!!!!!

Who the hell is running this project? Someone from China?? I don’t know what their minimum wage is there, but they certainly use child labor and now I’m wondering if feeding the children peanut butter and jelly sandwiches 3 times a day for a 10 hour work day is cost effective for them. Plus they are supplying room and board. What the F is going on in China? Now I’m upset but too old and tired to do anything about it. Anyhoo, we have 50 hair bows to make and we aren’t geared up for that kind of production.

So Nanny went to 5 different stores to find 50, 50!, hair clips at a cost of about $14.99. Yes, $15.00 for 50 fucking metal hair clips. I’m thinking China is on to something. I had the ribbon in my crap room but it still costs money. Charity really does start at home and if you have a 3rd grader with projects due in school, you will understand this.

So I’m at my daughter’s house and my grand daughter is kicking butt at making hair bows with the Bowdabra…. I also bought….for her to make 50! hair bows. My daughter reminded me that we needed to stay out of her project. Well, I guess I’m not involved with the shit load of crap I drove up to her house and the shit load of crap that I bought. Fine, I agreed to pretend we had nothing to do with this as long as she was the one who made the fucking hair bows. Now technically, the Bowdabra is mine so I can’t include it in the cost. But I never wanted a Bowdabra. I don’t know how to calculate the cost of me not wanting something. But now I own a Bowdabra.

The 50! hair bows were made by my grand daughter. But they looked like they needed a little something to pizazz them up. I agreed and I had already prepared for this. I had buttons and sparkly gems to glue into the centers of the 50! hair bows. We were running low on buttons for the center so I asked my daughter if she had any spare buttons. She said no. I said, “What! Where is your button jar?” She said maybe she would have one by the time she was 40 years old but right now she doesn’t have one. Her husband said, “How can you not have a button jar?!? I don’t know how to sew but I know you need a button jar to sew a button onto a shirt or a pair of pants occasionally. Did you ever do anything? How can you not have a button jar or know how to sew a button. My daughter said, “When I buy a shirt or pants, it usually comes with buttons.”

Easy Potato Soup made Difficult

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Potato soup is awesome!  Potato’s are very popular and have been for at least a couple hundred years.  I wonder if potatoes ever get a big head and how you would know that…..  It must feel really good to be popular for 100’s of years.  I’ve never personally met an arrogant potato, but that’s just my experience.  If you think about it, any person would feel good to be popular at least through grade school.  So cud-do’s to potatoes for kicking it for so long.  The potato has got it all goin on.  You are a starchy, tuberous, delicious, delight…

Everyone should have potato SOUP at least once in their lifetime.  If not this one, then the next…please.  It’s simple, satisfying, and perhaps a little hob-nobberish if you call it Vichyssoise.   I think that’s French for “I’m better than you cause you didn’t know about potato soup.”

But when my daughter asked me for the recipe for the potato…things got a little weird.  For most families, this type of request wouldn’t be a problem….

“Hey Ma…how’d you make that potato soup?”

“No problem doll, I’ll email you the recipe right now.  it’s easy.”

“Love you!”

“Love you too!”

No such luck in this family.  Daughter is a little challenged in the kitchen.  I know this because she called to ask how she’ll know when water is boiling.  I told her she would see the bubbles.  She asked how big they should be….ahhhhhhh!!!!!

So I did my best to draft an email to my daughter about how to make delicious potato soup.

This is an almost exact draft of my email to her.

“Hello Beautiful,

here we go….i’m going to put as much detail into this as i possibly can. don’t call me! i won’t have anything else to say…ha.

1. take out a large pot, preferably a clean one, and put it on the stove.

2. turn the heat on to your medium setting. (that would be the burner with the clean, empty pot on it.)

3. grab a stick of butter out of the fridge. don’t worry about the empty pot sitting on the burner. put the stick of butter near your pot.

4. now go grab about 3 or 4 medium sized onions and cut them up how ever seems best to you. I usually just cut them into quarters. if you don’t know what a quarter is. I have failed you in your education.

5. go back to the empty pot with your onions and a box of kleenex because you’ll be crying by now, or you could just run your hands under cold water. dump the onions into the pot. now put about 1/2 a stick of butter into the same pot.   Go searching for the pot lid that you forgot to take out when you started. this should give the butter just enough time to start melting.

6. stir the mixture up. put in some salt and pepper. put in a little less than you think you need. you can always add more. put a lid on it.  walk away.

7. grab 5 or 6 big potatoes. peel them and start to cut them up. oops! better check on those onions. go to the oven and give the onion and butter mixture a good stir.  make sure it’s not burning.

8. finish cutting the potatoes. at least 5 to 7 minutes should have passed by now. dump the potatoes into the pot. add more butter, (1/2 a stick), salt and pepper.

9 put some water in your tea kettle. its time for a cup of jo….just kidding. boil at least 8 oz of water. go stir your mixture.

10. put 4 cubes of chicken bouillon in a mug so it can dissolve.(don’t forget to put the boiled water into the mug…that’s what dissolves the bouillon.) it’ll probably take about 3 minutes to dissolve. dump it into the mixture and stir. If the water level is too far below the mixture, add more water, don’t add so much that it comes over the mixture.

11. turn the heat to high and bring it to a boil.

12. then adjust the heat to a slow boil and cook for about 10 to 15 minutes. just stick a fork in a potato to see if its cooked.

13 the fun part….whip out your new, handy dandy whipper upper.

14. take the pot off the stove. turn off your heat. and start whipping. (keep the whipper submersed while you are whipping or you will be badly burned and your walls will have a funny onion smell).

15. when its mostly pureed, put in a huge, really big, probably just should’ve used 2 tablespoons, tablespoon of sour cream. then add about a 1/4 stick to 1/2 stick of cream cheese.

16. mix again

you’re a soup goddess now!”

She called me 6 times after this email.

  • 1st phone call: 3:24 pm

asked for the ingredients. FAIR ENOUGH. it is called potato soup so I didn’t think we’d have much trouble with that one. We were on the phone for about 4 minutes going over the minutia of potatoes. I learned alot.  Acme is having a sale on Green Giant Potatoes.

  • 2nd phone call: 4:38 pm

asked me how to find the email i sent her about the potato soup…..NOT FAIR!

  • 3rd phone call: 5:36 pm

told me that the onions might be burning and asked what to do…….Well……..just turn the heat up dear!

  • 4th phone call: 6:03 pm

told me that the 8 oz of water didn’t seem like enough to boil the mixture in. I told her that I didn’t know how big or what size pot she was using so she would have to make that water level decision without me. But she did understand what I meant about the pot size and the water level.! Besides that, I already addressed that situation in #10.

  • 5th phone call: 6:46pm

told me that she put a fork in one potato and it split. but then she tested another one and it didn’t split quite the same way. I said, “You’re Done and so are the potatoes! move on to the next step.”

  • 6th phone call: 7:01pm

wanted to know if the mixer got hot while you were whipping HOT potato soup! I said she should re-read the directions for the mixer and the soup. I wasn’t supposed to get any phone calls.

Love,

Mom

Top ten reasons why blogging sucks

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1.  Why am I even blogging?  Who cares?

2.  Oh….that’s right…I’m blogging because I can’t drunk text and drive anymore.  I used to do a lot of drunk texting and driving but that got me into trouble with the law enforcement agencies and the people who serve them in my town.   Now I have to settle for talking to strangers behind the wheel of my computer.

3.  Come to think of it, why is it so much harder to drive slow than to drive fast?

4.  Ok.  Back to the point.  I think I’m on number 3 because I got distracted.  I hate blogging because everyone has a 100 day challenge.  Why put so much pressure on yourself?  Your just setting yourself up for failure and more drunk texting and driving when you realize there are real writers in this universe who know what they are doing and have been practicing for a long time.  Don’t be discouraged…if you keep it up long enough you may be a real rabbit too someday.

5.   How do you categorize blogs?  …………………

6.  I mean…I think my blogs are funny…

7.  You see what I mean about why blogging sucks.  Maybe I should have posted that under mental illness.

8.  Do people follow me because they want to be followed or are they following me because they think I’m funny…which is where I post most of my blogs…and mental illness.

9.  Just how much time do I have to devote myself to blogging?  Who’s gonna do the dishes, wash the clothes, and plow the field?  That shit takes time…valuable time away from blogging.

10.  I’ll never be able to do a 100 day challenge and that makes me feel like I’m not a real blogger…but it also makes me feel good about myself.  I’m a rebel…a real pretend blogger.

Spreading the Sunshine: An Homage to Turber

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A big ORANGE Thank you to  Turber for nominating me for this award!  Tuber knows not what Turber did.  This is my homage to Turber without one reference to Alan Rickman.  (okay, just that one mention of no mention of Alan Ric….dammit!)

Here are the Instructions:

First, if you don’t like to read instructions, your IKEA furniture probably won’t last very long.

Second, if you don’t go to visit Turber  none of this will not make any sense to you but you still risk going to Hell.

  • Include the award’s logo in a post on your blog
  • Answer 1o questions about yourself or risk breaking the chain of sunshine (this includes the threat of Hell, bad luck for seven years, an influx of all things ORANGE, and the inability to find any Alan Rickman movies).
  • Nominate 10 other bloggers and then leave them to fend for themselves (It’s the Republican way)
  • Link your nominees to the post and comment on their blogs, letting them know they have been nominated
  • Share the love and link the person who nominated you
Here are the 10 questions you’ll have to answer or you may go to Hell:  (I’m not really sure.  I didn’t get a straight answer from Turber)
  1. My favourite color: ORANGE
  2. My favourite animal: ORANGuTANg
  3. My favourite number: ORANGE-TEEN
  4. My favourite drink: ORANGE Juice
  5. Facebook or Twitter: ORANGE you glad i didn’t say Facebook?
  6. My passion: anything that gets me out of bed in the morning…and this morning it’s ORANGES!
  7. Prefer giving or getting presents: I like GETTING oranges!
  8. My favorite pattern:  small orange, medium orange, large orange, small orange, medium orange, large orange…
  9. My favorite day of the week:  any day I’m eating ORANGES!
  10. My favorite flower: white tulip

10 bloggers who might go to hell if they don’t follow the instructions are:

Travis Kirk

the mystical unicorn

Call me Normal

What I Desired To Say

Heals, squeals and mushed up meals

Security is for Cadavers

magsx2

raburcke

bobmortland (maybe he’ll throw a little advice my way for DUI BARBIE)

happinessisnotadisease

barbiebeauties

Good Luck to everyone in their mission to keep the cycle of Sunshine going!  P.S.  You’d better look up the real instructions cause I may not have done this very well…also, my furniture if falling apart.  See you in Hell!