Things I have in Common with the Buddha

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  1. Big Belly – check
  2. Likes to laugh – check
  3. Robe – check
  4. Holds the secrets to the Universe – working on it
  5. Can sit in Lotus position forever – I’m up to 10 minutes
  6. Has a statue – hmmmm.  I’m gonna need a kiln.
  7. Has very little hair – mine is falling out as we speak
  8. Has many worshipers and followers – I have about 65 of the 6 billion people who inhabit our planet.  It’s a pretty good start!  Well, that’s on WordPress.  Nobody on Facebook really likes me too much.  I don’t get Facebook.
  9. That’s all I know about Buddha.

How I got the Son of God to cut my grass

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First Text – 2:56 pm:  The grass is looking a little high.  I think it wants a hair cut.

No response from the Son of God…


Second text – 3:42 pm

I guess you missed the mental imagery I was trying to convey in my last text.  Maybe this will help

I guess you missed the mental imagery I was trying to convey in my last text. Maybe this will help

No Response from the Son of God…


Third text – 4:50 pm

Help!!!!!  I've fallen and I can't cut the grass!

Help!!!!! I’ve fallen and I can’t cut the grass!

No Response from the Son of God…


Fourth Text – 6:06 pm

This is a picture of my shed.  What's missing? Answer:  a lawn mower!

This is a picture of my shed. What’s missing?
Answer: a lawn mower!

No Response from the Son of God…


Fifth Text – 6:26 pm

Holy shit!  The grass is threatening to kill itself if it doesn't get a hair cut.  Do you really want this on your hands?

Holy shit! The grass is threatening to kill itself if it doesn’t get a hair cut. Do you really want this on your hands?

The Son of God replies:  Fine Mom…I’ll be there in the morning.

God doesn’t take Advice so Well (“Kinda Drunk God” – Part 2)

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Against his friends better advice, God left the bar with the woman in the corner, in red.  He took control of her car and they argued the entire way back to her place.  He told her she was a wreck and needed to get her life together.  She told him to fuck off and mind his own business.  “You drank every drink I bought for you tonight!” said the woman in red.  “I know,” said God calmly, “but I did it because it’s what you wanted me to do.  I can’t do anything that you don’t want me to do.”

“You are so arrogant and so pretentious I almost can’t stand it!  WTF does that mean?!?!  Am I to blame for everything I do and everything you do?!?!  Give me a break!  Why don’t you go pick up some whore that really needs help…the lady in red looks up for a moment then said…”turn left here.”

“OK, here we go!” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I don’t think this is the direction we should be going in.”

“I’m right, I’m wrong!  Can’t you make a fucking decision!..I can’t take it,”  yelled the woman in red.  “Just turn fucking left NOW!”

The next morning, God woke up in the bedroom of the woman in red.  She offered him cigarettes for his allergies and some coffee to help him get out of bed.  “What the fuck have you done to me now?” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I can’t move my legs, my speech is slurred, my eye sight is less than average, but you still look like a cool chick to me.  Can I get your number?”

Kinda Drunk God

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Kinda Drunk God

Kinda Drunk God is awesome as always, but I was a little concerned that it’s getting late and he won’t acknowledge the god damn super moon he created tonight.  “That’s cool,” said kinda drunk God, “get what you want out of it.”

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“You asked me for weeks to meet you here.  WTF?  I have a life too you know.”

“I know,” said kinda drunk God.  “I’m pretty pissed off right now, even though I look fantabulous with my tiara and everything!  I got all dressed up for this and it’s a cloudy night.”

“Chillaxamondo!  You are taking this way too seriously,” said kinda drunk God.  “All things in their time!”

“But I’m not used to seeing you this way either.  Should I call you a cab?”

“Nahhh.  I’m cool.  I’ll just stay here or get a ride home with a friend.  Don’t worry about me.  Take care of yourself.”

“For REAL?  I can call a cab right now for you.”

“Dude, have whatever night you want to have and let me have mine for Christ’s sake!  That moon is awesome though, isn’t it?  I made that happen….Well, hold on, now my ego is getting the best of me…We made that happen.”

“God!  You sound like you may need a ride home.”

“Don’t worry about it.  I know I have to make the sun come up in the morning.  I got this.”

“Ok…Well….I’m leaving now.  It’s your last chance for a ride.”

“Dude, I’m God.  Nothing is last.  Everything is forever.”

“Ok.  But will you call me in the morning?”

“Roger that!”

“By the way, stay away from that girl in the corner, in the red dress that’s been buying you drinks all night.  I know her.  She’s just trying to get into your pants.  She’ll take you to the cleaners.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“Just sayin…Peace out dude.”