Category Archives: women

How I got the Son of God to cut my grass

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First Text – 2:56 pm:  The grass is looking a little high.  I think it wants a hair cut.

No response from the Son of God…


Second text – 3:42 pm

I guess you missed the mental imagery I was trying to convey in my last text.  Maybe this will help

I guess you missed the mental imagery I was trying to convey in my last text. Maybe this will help

No Response from the Son of God…


Third text – 4:50 pm

Help!!!!!  I've fallen and I can't cut the grass!

Help!!!!! I’ve fallen and I can’t cut the grass!

No Response from the Son of God…


Fourth Text – 6:06 pm

This is a picture of my shed.  What's missing? Answer:  a lawn mower!

This is a picture of my shed. What’s missing?
Answer: a lawn mower!

No Response from the Son of God…


Fifth Text – 6:26 pm

Holy shit!  The grass is threatening to kill itself if it doesn't get a hair cut.  Do you really want this on your hands?

Holy shit! The grass is threatening to kill itself if it doesn’t get a hair cut. Do you really want this on your hands?

The Son of God replies:  Fine Mom…I’ll be there in the morning.

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God doesn’t take Advice so Well (“Kinda Drunk God” – Part 2)

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Against his friends better advice, God left the bar with the woman in the corner, in red.  He took control of her car and they argued the entire way back to her place.  He told her she was a wreck and needed to get her life together.  She told him to fuck off and mind his own business.  “You drank every drink I bought for you tonight!” said the woman in red.  “I know,” said God calmly, “but I did it because it’s what you wanted me to do.  I can’t do anything that you don’t want me to do.”

“You are so arrogant and so pretentious I almost can’t stand it!  WTF does that mean?!?!  Am I to blame for everything I do and everything you do?!?!  Give me a break!  Why don’t you go pick up some whore that really needs help…the lady in red looks up for a moment then said…”turn left here.”

“OK, here we go!” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I don’t think this is the direction we should be going in.”

“I’m right, I’m wrong!  Can’t you make a fucking decision!..I can’t take it,”  yelled the woman in red.  “Just turn fucking left NOW!”

The next morning, God woke up in the bedroom of the woman in red.  She offered him cigarettes for his allergies and some coffee to help him get out of bed.  “What the fuck have you done to me now?” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I can’t move my legs, my speech is slurred, my eye sight is less than average, but you still look like a cool chick to me.  Can I get your number?”