Category Archives: pop culture

Top ten reasons why blogging sucks

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1.  Why am I even blogging?  Who cares?

2.  Oh….that’s right…I’m blogging because I can’t drunk text and drive anymore.  I used to do a lot of drunk texting and driving but that got me into trouble with the law enforcement agencies and the people who serve them in my town.   Now I have to settle for talking to strangers behind the wheel of my computer.

3.  Come to think of it, why is it so much harder to drive slow than to drive fast?

4.  Ok.  Back to the point.  I think I’m on number 3 because I got distracted.  I hate blogging because everyone has a 100 day challenge.  Why put so much pressure on yourself?  Your just setting yourself up for failure and more drunk texting and driving when you realize there are real writers in this universe who know what they are doing and have been practicing for a long time.  Don’t be discouraged…if you keep it up long enough you may be a real rabbit too someday.

5.   How do you categorize blogs?  …………………

6.  I mean…I think my blogs are funny…

7.  You see what I mean about why blogging sucks.  Maybe I should have posted that under mental illness.

8.  Do people follow me because they want to be followed or are they following me because they think I’m funny…which is where I post most of my blogs…and mental illness.

9.  Just how much time do I have to devote myself to blogging?  Who’s gonna do the dishes, wash the clothes, and plow the field?  That shit takes time…valuable time away from blogging.

10.  I’ll never be able to do a 100 day challenge and that makes me feel like I’m not a real blogger…but it also makes me feel good about myself.  I’m a rebel…a real pretend blogger.

Interview with a Potato

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Hello all, and welcome to the Stay Home Show.  I’m your host, the Stay at Home Philosopher.  Today we have a veeery special guest.  Known and loved by billions all around the world.  Whether you’ve run into him half baked, deep fried, or shredded, there is no denying the power of this starchy, tuberous crop.  Soooooo, without further ado, (as she WHIPS the audience into a frenzy) please welcome Potato to the Stay Home show.

The audience screams and shouts with joy!

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I know they may look calm to you, but I couldn’t figure out how to get everyone’s hands up at the same time.  Trust me, they were ecstatic to see potato in his original form.

Stay at Home:  Mr. Potato, welcome to the Stay Home Show.  Welcome, Welllcoooome!  (Stay at Home laughs and drinks her beer while she waits for the audience to calm down).  Mr. Potato, you seem to have quite a following.  What do you attribute this to?  How did you rise to this level?

Potato:  Well, I have been around for a while.  (Potato laughs with the audience.  “Duhhhh, what a stupid question,” they think to themselves).  As a matter of fact, I’ve been around forever!  (Crowd and Potato still laughing at The Stay At Home Philosopher).

Stay at Home:  What do you mean you’ve been around forever?  (Stay at Home feels stupid about the question she just asked.  How is she supposed to know what a real potato is?  Does anyone know what a real potato looks like anymore?  Feeling backed into a corner, she decides to ask a hard hitting question to get her dignity back.  She doesn’t know much about Potato but she does know her history).  Are you hinting at the Irish Potato famine?  Were you there?  (audience goes silent).

Potato:  I’ve been blamed for good times and bad times throughout history and I took a lot of heat for it.  No pun intended.  (Audience and Potato laugh).

Stay at Home:  So you were there?

Potato:  Yes.  I was there. (Audience goes into a more silent hush than the previous hush).

Stay at Home:  So what you are telling us today is that you are responsible for the death of millions and the invasion, I mean emigration, of the Irish, to the United States.  (audience, most of whom are Irish, boooo Stay at Home).

Potato:  The Irish did depend heavily on me.  That was their mistake, not mine.  A lot of people would like to blame me for the blight, but it’s not my fault.  It was a political and social problem.  The same kind we have today.

Stay at Home:  Are you saying you’re not to blame for the death of millions with your rotted core and black leaves when you were the only thing that 80% of the Irish relied on?

Potato:  What I’m saying is that I’m just a potato.  I’m delicious and nutritious.  Loaded with vitamin C.  There are so many things that can be done with me including starting a war.

Stay at Home:  I think we can all agree that you are delicious.  Audience, raise your hand if you think Potato is delicious.  (Audience raises their hands).  But who said anything about a war?  Mr. Potato, are you saying that the United States had something to do with the Irish Potato Famine?  (Silence falls over the audience again).

Potato:  I wouldn’t say it’s their fault but they certainly have culpability in this matter.  (Audience screams and jeers at Potato.  His own wife starts to eat Potato chips.)

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Stay at Home:  And is revenge what you’re up to Potato?  Did you reinvent yourself and make yourself with so many new and delicious flavors that Americans would become obese?  (Mr. Potato remains silent).  Answer the question Mr. Potato!  (the audience demands answers as well).

Potato:  If I knew you were going to go in this direction, I would have prepared a better answer yesterpotato.  All I can say, today, is that everyone would do well by taking 100% responsibility for all of history.  The earth would progress much more quickly.

The crowd goes into a frenzy and shreds Potato.

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Stay at Home:  Thank you all for coming to today’s show.  Tomorrow, we’ll be making hash browns.  Our special guest will be Vegetable Oil.  Have a wonderful night!

 

I'm badly shredded but still alive!

I’m badly shredded but still alive!

 

God doesn’t take Advice so Well (“Kinda Drunk God” – Part 2)

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Against his friends better advice, God left the bar with the woman in the corner, in red.  He took control of her car and they argued the entire way back to her place.  He told her she was a wreck and needed to get her life together.  She told him to fuck off and mind his own business.  “You drank every drink I bought for you tonight!” said the woman in red.  “I know,” said God calmly, “but I did it because it’s what you wanted me to do.  I can’t do anything that you don’t want me to do.”

“You are so arrogant and so pretentious I almost can’t stand it!  WTF does that mean?!?!  Am I to blame for everything I do and everything you do?!?!  Give me a break!  Why don’t you go pick up some whore that really needs help…the lady in red looks up for a moment then said…”turn left here.”

“OK, here we go!” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I don’t think this is the direction we should be going in.”

“I’m right, I’m wrong!  Can’t you make a fucking decision!..I can’t take it,”  yelled the woman in red.  “Just turn fucking left NOW!”

The next morning, God woke up in the bedroom of the woman in red.  She offered him cigarettes for his allergies and some coffee to help him get out of bed.  “What the fuck have you done to me now?” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I can’t move my legs, my speech is slurred, my eye sight is less than average, but you still look like a cool chick to me.  Can I get your number?”

Kinda Drunk God

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Kinda Drunk God

Kinda Drunk God is awesome as always, but I was a little concerned that it’s getting late and he won’t acknowledge the god damn super moon he created tonight.  “That’s cool,” said kinda drunk God, “get what you want out of it.”

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“You asked me for weeks to meet you here.  WTF?  I have a life too you know.”

“I know,” said kinda drunk God.  “I’m pretty pissed off right now, even though I look fantabulous with my tiara and everything!  I got all dressed up for this and it’s a cloudy night.”

“Chillaxamondo!  You are taking this way too seriously,” said kinda drunk God.  “All things in their time!”

“But I’m not used to seeing you this way either.  Should I call you a cab?”

“Nahhh.  I’m cool.  I’ll just stay here or get a ride home with a friend.  Don’t worry about me.  Take care of yourself.”

“For REAL?  I can call a cab right now for you.”

“Dude, have whatever night you want to have and let me have mine for Christ’s sake!  That moon is awesome though, isn’t it?  I made that happen….Well, hold on, now my ego is getting the best of me…We made that happen.”

“God!  You sound like you may need a ride home.”

“Don’t worry about it.  I know I have to make the sun come up in the morning.  I got this.”

“Ok…Well….I’m leaving now.  It’s your last chance for a ride.”

“Dude, I’m God.  Nothing is last.  Everything is forever.”

“Ok.  But will you call me in the morning?”

“Roger that!”

“By the way, stay away from that girl in the corner, in the red dress that’s been buying you drinks all night.  I know her.  She’s just trying to get into your pants.  She’ll take you to the cleaners.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“Just sayin…Peace out dude.”

 

Just Another Friday Night…at home with the kids

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Just Another Friday night at home with the kids.

Mommy:  Ha ha ha.  That’s so funny.  Ha ha ha.  That’s funny too.

Kids:  We like it too mom…

Mommy:  Ohhh!  Shh…Shh…This is my favorite show.  Oh my gosh…look at that beautiful…look at what she’s wearing..look at those beautiful shoes!  Ohhh!  She got a new purse!

Mommy pouting:  I want one of them!  How come you never get me stuff like that?

Kids yelling:  Yeah Dad!  How come you never get us stuff like that?

Daddy jumping up:  You stupid bitch!

Mommy:  NO!  The kids are watching……………………………………………………………..

Daddy:  Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you started talking about that goddamn purse!

Mommy:  But..the..kids..are..watching…..TV!  I…give…up.  You…win.  That’s not funny.

Daddy to daughter:  Your mother keeps interrupting the show.  But we worked it all out.

Mommy:  That’s right honey.  Everything is all better now.  Now, all of you, get to bed!  Go on.  Right now!

 

10 minutes later….

Daddy:  You should stop doing that.

Mommy:  Doing this?

Daddy:  No.  Not this.  Did I say this?  No.  I said that.  Maybe if I were a TV show you’d listen to me.

Mommy:  Ha ha ha.  Your so funny.  But I still don’t know what you want me to stop doing.

Daddy:  You should stop putting the kids to bed without reading to them.  The TV says that it makes them dumb.

Mommy:  When did the TV say that?

Daddy:  I saw it on Oprah today.

Mommy:  Wowww!  You mean all I have to do is read to the kids and they’ll be smart?

Daddy:  Guaranteed!  I told you dumb-ass…I saw it on Oprah.

BARBIE gets a DUI

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Good Evening and welcome to the I.C.U. News Network.  I’m Icey Mee and we’ll be looking at a story tonight that is making headlines on all the other news stations.  We believe, that on some of the other networks, the DRs DREW too many conclusions without enough facts in the BARBIE DUI arrest.  We’ll speak with the arresting officer, Dick Shankly, and Ms. BARBIE’s publicist, Justine Thyme.  Let’s take a look at the story and you be the judge.

This afternoon, in Miami, FLA., Ms. BARBIE was arrested and charged with DUI.  This is the mugshot released by the Miami-Dade County Sheriff’s Department:

In part of a statement, released earlier by her publicist, Ms. BARBIE said that the police department chose the worst photo and that she didn’t look that way at all until after being mistreated by the arresting officer.  We here at I.C.U. thought the photos you are about to see were pretty compelling and corroborated Ms. BARBIE’s statement.  We reached out, via webcam, to the arresting officer, Dick Shankly, and asked him what he thought about the photos you are about to see and Ms. BARBIE’s allegations.

Icey Mee:  Good evening Officer Dick and welcome to our program.  We were wondering what you think about the statements made by Ms. BARBIE in reference to this photo behind me and her alleged mistreatment by you?

Officer Dick:  She wasn’t treated any differently than any body else that breaks the law.

Icey Mee:  (pointing to his hand in BARBIE’s hoohaa).  So you’re saying you pat everyone down like this?

Officer Dick:  Our first job is to stay safe and we routinely check for hidden weapons.

Icey Mee:  She’s wearing a bathing suit.  Don’t you think you would have seen a weapon?

Officer Dick:  (shakes his head indignantly and giggles).  Take it from me, Ms. Mee, I know how to do my job.

Icey Mee:  (pointing to the next phot0).  And what about this photo of Ms. BARBIE in shackles?  Isn’t this a little, oh, I don’t know, overkill?

Officer Dick:  When you break the law, you break the law.

Icey Mee:  The information we’re getting is that BARBIE wasn’t driving, that she was parked.  What law did she break?

Officer Dick:  No open alcohol containers in a car, no drinking in a car, no drinking near a car, no drinking while you’re holding car keys, no loud music while you’re drinking, contributing to the delinquency of a dog, and her left brake light was out.   She’s really a rotten apple.

Icey Mee:  I see.  And what about this photo, that an anonymous source released, from the hospital where you took Ms. BARBIE to be blood-letted, I mean for a blood-alcohol test?

Officer Dick:  Standard Operating Procedure.  Like I said, when you break the law, you break the law and we can’t take a chance on the suspect overpowering us or fleeing the scene.

Icey Mee:  Is it very often that a 100 lb. woman in high heels, who’s been drinking, overpowers you and flees?  I was led to believe that motor skills were severely impaired while drinking.

Officer Dick:  (squealing like a little girl).  You’d be surprised what a woman can do with high heels…and long fingernails.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time Officer Dick.

 

Next, to discuss more on this story is Justine Thyme, Ms. BARBIE’s publicist and close friend.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for joining us here at our studios Mrs. Thyme.  Can you tell us how Ms. BARBIE is doing?

Mrs. Thyme:  Thank you very much for having me on your show.  BARBIE is, rightly so, very upset.  She feels that she has been treated like an animal.  And that Dick you just talked to…he needs to have his head examined.  This is another Rodney King.  These Officers of the Law can’t just go around abusing any person they come in contact with this way!  They still treat my father that way for a speeding ticket.  My brother can’t walk to the corner store without being stared down, harassed, or questioned about where he’s going and what he’s doing.  All any other network wants to talk about is BARBIE got a DUI, BARBIE got a DUI, BARBIE got a DUI.  When they gonna wise up and see what’s going on?  The pictures are right in front of their…(interrupted by Icey Mee).

Icey Mee:  The photos are quite alarming, even to the untrained eye.  What do you think is going on?

Mrs. Thyme:  Think?  I know what’s going on.  It’s been going on in my community since they packed us in like rats for our first boat ride.  You give anybody that kind of power and a gun!  It goes straight to the dopamine center of the brain. Straight to the center of the brain.  Oh, I know what’s going on.  BARBIE wasn’t even driving her BARBIE jeep.  It was parked.  It…was…a…parked…car.  She just finished a photo shoot with one of her sponsors, BARBIE BEER.  She was arrested for drinking while sitting.  Who gets arrested for that?

Icey Mee:  Is there an explanation as to why she was drinking in the jeep?

Mrs. Thyme:  Her contract clearly stated that she had to stay at the shoot location for an after party.  She was tired from the photo shoot.  She wanted to sit down.  And besides, she is also a sponsor for BARBIE Jeep so she thought she’d kill two birds with one stone and drink her BARBIE BEER in her BARBIE Jeep.  Well, that stone must have hit Officer Dick in the head cause no one I know, who’s not mentally impaired, lacks that much judgement.  And since when is it a crime to party at the beach?  The last time I checked…(interrupted by Icey Mee).

Icey Mee:  So are you saying that BARBIE BEER encouraged Ms. BARBIE to continue drinking BARBIE BEER after the photo shoot?

Mrs. Thyme:  Yes.  It was a part of the contract.  First there was the photo shoot and then the after party.  BARBIE was under contract to be there.  Period.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time.  We look forward to an update on this story.

Mrs. Thyme:  My pleasure.

 

BARBIE BEER has denied that BARBIE was working for them at the time of her arrest.  They do confirm that she was doing a photo shoot for them earlier that afternoon but said that it did not involve the consumption of any alcohol.

I’d like to thank our guests and viewers.  This is Icey Mee for the I.C.U. Network.  Join us next time and have a great night.

 

 

Catholicism gets a Make Over

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Good Evening and thank you for joining us here on the I.C.U. News Network.  I’m your host, Icey Mee.

Tonight I’ll be sitting down with the Vatican’s publicist, Cardinal Giavani Gianini Giavanio.  We’ll discuss today’s announcement regarding a make-over for Catholicism.  We’ll talk about why they’re doing it and what it means for you.  We’ll also be joined by CEO of Global Marketing, Inc., Iam Smartley.  This is the American Corporation hired by the Vatican to make-over the Church.

Icey Mee:  Good evening gentlemen.  Let’s begin.  Shall we?  Why the make-over?

Giavanio:  We’re concerned that evil is growing and that we are losing customers…I mean followers to Atheism, Buddhism, and Islamism.  (Smartley nods in agreement.  Icey Mee turns her attention to him).

Smartley:  I agree.  We’ve been watching this trend away from Catholicism for a number of years.  I reached out to Cardinal Giavanio and we had our first meeting about 6 months ago.  Our firm, Global Marketing, Inc., has since come up with some really good ideas to help rebuild their business…I mean following.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling) We are in the business of saving sooouuullss….Aaaaaaamen.

Icey Mee:  You say that your firm has come up with some good ideas.  Can you tell our viewers one of them?

Smartley:  Sure.  First of all, and after a tremendous amount of research and work by Global Marketing, Inc., we believe that the Church is dating itself with words like THEE, THY, and THOU.  We’d like to re-write…I mean update the bible a little.  You know, put it in a language the common man can relate to.  For example, instead of saying, “THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT MURDER,” say something like, ” Hey people, don’t kill anybody!  You think your life is lousy now?  Wait till you’re rotting in solitary confinement and pooping on yourself.”  We think that terminology like that really drives the point home.  You got your action and your consequences all in a couple effective sentences.

Icey Mee:  Do you think that changing a holy text would ruffle some feathers?

Giavanio:  (turns to Sharkley)  We did have that back lash when we changed from Latin to English.  And the King James Bible…(cut off by Sharkley)

Smartley:  But over all consumption…I mean following increased.  We think a new re-write…I mean update, will do the same thing.

Icey Mee:  I hear you say that you’d like to change the language of Catholicism.  What else do you believe is responsible for the decline in followers?

Smartley:  Our research indicates that the Church needs to focus more on its’ core competency, The Seven Deadly Sins.  All anyone hears about anymore is one sex scandal after another.  We know that getting the Church to focus on all seven of those sins is the key to success in this global economy.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling)  We are in the business of saving sooouuulllsss…Aaaamen.

Icey Mee:  Can you tell our viewers a little bit about your global marketing strategy?

Smartley:  We’ll have targeted marketing, of course, for different countries and continents.  For example, in the United States, although we’ll market…I mean talk about all the Seven Deadly sins, we’ll target greed and gluttony.  The people at Global Marketing, Inc. came up with some very effective ideas to get the word out about the new changes to Catholicism without it feeling like a make-over.  We have a book scheduled to hit stores, in about a month, called “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.”

Icey Mee:  Ohhh!  Can you share some “evil calorie burning” tips with us?

Smartley:  Sure!  One suggestion is instead of going to a fast food restaurant every evening, go once a week.  The other 6 nights go to Church and donate the money you would have spent on food.  If you’re still hungry when you leave church, you won’t have the money for the fast food.  BAM!  You’ve just burned 1500 evil calories.  We’re also partnering up with McDonald’s for that one night a week you do go out for fast food.  They have agreed to create a meal just for Catholics.  It’ll be called the “McJesus Meal.”  It comes with a fish sandwich, fries, holy water, and some figs for dessert.  If you agree to give a $1.00 donation at the checkout, you’ll get a bumper sticker that says, “Anybody that doesn’t love JESUS can and will go to HELL!

Icey Mee:  Can you tell us where the money from donations, book sales, and McDonalds’ sales will go?

Smartley:  We will use it to pay for the publication of “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.”  Those books don’t write themselves and Global Marketing, Inc put the money up front.  We’re also looking forward to publishing another book for the USA, targeted at greed.  It will be called, “Big Spiritual Bucks, A Catholics guide to imagining you have money.”  Whatever is left over after that, our operating expenses, and the Vatican’s operating expenses will go to help the poor.

Icey Mee:  How do you think people will react to the idea of giving away more, of the little money they have, to the Catholic Church during these tough economic times?

Smartley:  We’re not asking them to “give” away their money.  We’re helping them burn calories and rid themselves of their worldly possessions so they’ll look good when they enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling a ling)  We’re in the business of saving sooouuullsss…Aaaaamen.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time gentlemen.  It’s been an enlightening conversation.

This is Icey Mee and you heard it first!  Live from the Vatican.  Signing off until the next big story.

Help Free BARBIE!

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How can millions of Americans stand idly by while packagers strap Barbie, and her friends, down by the head, neck, arms, waist, and legs?  (Mattel, the world’s largest toy company – based on revenue, closed it’s last US manufacturing plant in 2002.  China now makes our favorite toy!)  We have to help free Barbie and I have some solutions.

Put her in a box.  It’s made out of paper and is biodegradable.  No research or rocket science involved in making boxes.  Guess which countries produce the most paper in the world?  The good ole’ US of A and Canada.  Which state produces the most paper?  Wisconsin.   No reason for alarm from tree-huggers either because today most paper is made from a combination of recycled materials, hemp, and kenaf (Google that shit).

Use a piece of tape or two to keep the box closed until Barbie reaches her final destination.  I don’t know anything about tape except that it is awesome.  It might be biodegradable, it might not be.  OK – I just Googled that – Cellulose tape is biodegradable. Decorate the box with all things Barbie and put a picture of what you’re getting on the front.  That way, when you open the box, you can see that the picture matches what’s inside the box.  (BRILLIANT!)

Once you’ve got your new Barbie, throw the box in the trash.

WAIT!  I know what you’re thinking.  That box is way to cute to throw away.  Here are some things to do with your new Barbie box:

1.)  Make a Barbie Bed.  Everyone deserves a safe, comfortable place of their own to sleep.

You can’t make a bed out of this:  (remnants of the plastic packaging.  I know… it’s hard to see.)

2.)  Store some of your old stuff in your new box.  But if you do that you should probably change the picture on the front so you don’t confuse yourself.

3.)  Make a birdhouse out of the box.  Just kidding…I bought the birdhouse.  But those Martha Stewart types could birdhouse the shit out of that box!

Help free Barbie, save the environment, and bring jobs to the United States!  Just say, “NO!” to sadistic plastic packaging.

Here is how you say, “NO!”:

Step 1.  Email Mattel and tell them that you won’t buy anything Barbie until they free Barbie!  (Buy your favorite Barbie first – then boycott Mattel).

Step 2.  Email Michael Moore…He’s awesome at stuff like this.

Step 3.  Tell everyone on Facebook to do the same thing.  The same thing is to email Mattel…(go back to step 1.).

Don’t get me wrong.  I Love Plastic.  Barbie and a lot of really great people are made of plastic.  But in the packaging department it is just not working and China doesn’t have to clean up the plastic packaging mess they are making…We do!

Notes to Mattel:

  • Don’t steal my idea about selling a Barbie… in a box… that is a bed.  I will sue you.
  • Bugger off the kids imagination.  Just give us the doll, in a cardboard box, and walk away.
  • If you need some solutions for store displays, call me.  I’ve been thinking about it and have some really good ideas.