Category Archives: philosophy

God doesn’t take Advice so Well (“Kinda Drunk God” – Part 2)

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Against his friends better advice, God left the bar with the woman in the corner, in red.  He took control of her car and they argued the entire way back to her place.  He told her she was a wreck and needed to get her life together.  She told him to fuck off and mind his own business.  “You drank every drink I bought for you tonight!” said the woman in red.  “I know,” said God calmly, “but I did it because it’s what you wanted me to do.  I can’t do anything that you don’t want me to do.”

“You are so arrogant and so pretentious I almost can’t stand it!  WTF does that mean?!?!  Am I to blame for everything I do and everything you do?!?!  Give me a break!  Why don’t you go pick up some whore that really needs help…the lady in red looks up for a moment then said…”turn left here.”

“OK, here we go!” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I don’t think this is the direction we should be going in.”

“I’m right, I’m wrong!  Can’t you make a fucking decision!..I can’t take it,”  yelled the woman in red.  “Just turn fucking left NOW!”

The next morning, God woke up in the bedroom of the woman in red.  She offered him cigarettes for his allergies and some coffee to help him get out of bed.  “What the fuck have you done to me now?” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I can’t move my legs, my speech is slurred, my eye sight is less than average, but you still look like a cool chick to me.  Can I get your number?”

Kinda Drunk God

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Kinda Drunk God

Kinda Drunk God is awesome as always, but I was a little concerned that it’s getting late and he won’t acknowledge the god damn super moon he created tonight.  “That’s cool,” said kinda drunk God, “get what you want out of it.”

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“You asked me for weeks to meet you here.  WTF?  I have a life too you know.”

“I know,” said kinda drunk God.  “I’m pretty pissed off right now, even though I look fantabulous with my tiara and everything!  I got all dressed up for this and it’s a cloudy night.”

“Chillaxamondo!  You are taking this way too seriously,” said kinda drunk God.  “All things in their time!”

“But I’m not used to seeing you this way either.  Should I call you a cab?”

“Nahhh.  I’m cool.  I’ll just stay here or get a ride home with a friend.  Don’t worry about me.  Take care of yourself.”

“For REAL?  I can call a cab right now for you.”

“Dude, have whatever night you want to have and let me have mine for Christ’s sake!  That moon is awesome though, isn’t it?  I made that happen….Well, hold on, now my ego is getting the best of me…We made that happen.”

“God!  You sound like you may need a ride home.”

“Don’t worry about it.  I know I have to make the sun come up in the morning.  I got this.”

“Ok…Well….I’m leaving now.  It’s your last chance for a ride.”

“Dude, I’m God.  Nothing is last.  Everything is forever.”

“Ok.  But will you call me in the morning?”

“Roger that!”

“By the way, stay away from that girl in the corner, in the red dress that’s been buying you drinks all night.  I know her.  She’s just trying to get into your pants.  She’ll take you to the cleaners.”

“You think I don’t know that?”

“Just sayin…Peace out dude.”

 

BARBIE gets a DUI

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Good Evening and welcome to the I.C.U. News Network.  I’m Icey Mee and we’ll be looking at a story tonight that is making headlines on all the other news stations.  We believe, that on some of the other networks, the DRs DREW too many conclusions without enough facts in the BARBIE DUI arrest.  We’ll speak with the arresting officer, Dick Shankly, and Ms. BARBIE’s publicist, Justine Thyme.  Let’s take a look at the story and you be the judge.

This afternoon, in Miami, FLA., Ms. BARBIE was arrested and charged with DUI.  This is the mugshot released by the Miami-Dade County Sheriff’s Department:

In part of a statement, released earlier by her publicist, Ms. BARBIE said that the police department chose the worst photo and that she didn’t look that way at all until after being mistreated by the arresting officer.  We here at I.C.U. thought the photos you are about to see were pretty compelling and corroborated Ms. BARBIE’s statement.  We reached out, via webcam, to the arresting officer, Dick Shankly, and asked him what he thought about the photos you are about to see and Ms. BARBIE’s allegations.

Icey Mee:  Good evening Officer Dick and welcome to our program.  We were wondering what you think about the statements made by Ms. BARBIE in reference to this photo behind me and her alleged mistreatment by you?

Officer Dick:  She wasn’t treated any differently than any body else that breaks the law.

Icey Mee:  (pointing to his hand in BARBIE’s hoohaa).  So you’re saying you pat everyone down like this?

Officer Dick:  Our first job is to stay safe and we routinely check for hidden weapons.

Icey Mee:  She’s wearing a bathing suit.  Don’t you think you would have seen a weapon?

Officer Dick:  (shakes his head indignantly and giggles).  Take it from me, Ms. Mee, I know how to do my job.

Icey Mee:  (pointing to the next phot0).  And what about this photo of Ms. BARBIE in shackles?  Isn’t this a little, oh, I don’t know, overkill?

Officer Dick:  When you break the law, you break the law.

Icey Mee:  The information we’re getting is that BARBIE wasn’t driving, that she was parked.  What law did she break?

Officer Dick:  No open alcohol containers in a car, no drinking in a car, no drinking near a car, no drinking while you’re holding car keys, no loud music while you’re drinking, contributing to the delinquency of a dog, and her left brake light was out.   She’s really a rotten apple.

Icey Mee:  I see.  And what about this photo, that an anonymous source released, from the hospital where you took Ms. BARBIE to be blood-letted, I mean for a blood-alcohol test?

Officer Dick:  Standard Operating Procedure.  Like I said, when you break the law, you break the law and we can’t take a chance on the suspect overpowering us or fleeing the scene.

Icey Mee:  Is it very often that a 100 lb. woman in high heels, who’s been drinking, overpowers you and flees?  I was led to believe that motor skills were severely impaired while drinking.

Officer Dick:  (squealing like a little girl).  You’d be surprised what a woman can do with high heels…and long fingernails.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time Officer Dick.

 

Next, to discuss more on this story is Justine Thyme, Ms. BARBIE’s publicist and close friend.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for joining us here at our studios Mrs. Thyme.  Can you tell us how Ms. BARBIE is doing?

Mrs. Thyme:  Thank you very much for having me on your show.  BARBIE is, rightly so, very upset.  She feels that she has been treated like an animal.  And that Dick you just talked to…he needs to have his head examined.  This is another Rodney King.  These Officers of the Law can’t just go around abusing any person they come in contact with this way!  They still treat my father that way for a speeding ticket.  My brother can’t walk to the corner store without being stared down, harassed, or questioned about where he’s going and what he’s doing.  All any other network wants to talk about is BARBIE got a DUI, BARBIE got a DUI, BARBIE got a DUI.  When they gonna wise up and see what’s going on?  The pictures are right in front of their…(interrupted by Icey Mee).

Icey Mee:  The photos are quite alarming, even to the untrained eye.  What do you think is going on?

Mrs. Thyme:  Think?  I know what’s going on.  It’s been going on in my community since they packed us in like rats for our first boat ride.  You give anybody that kind of power and a gun!  It goes straight to the dopamine center of the brain. Straight to the center of the brain.  Oh, I know what’s going on.  BARBIE wasn’t even driving her BARBIE jeep.  It was parked.  It…was…a…parked…car.  She just finished a photo shoot with one of her sponsors, BARBIE BEER.  She was arrested for drinking while sitting.  Who gets arrested for that?

Icey Mee:  Is there an explanation as to why she was drinking in the jeep?

Mrs. Thyme:  Her contract clearly stated that she had to stay at the shoot location for an after party.  She was tired from the photo shoot.  She wanted to sit down.  And besides, she is also a sponsor for BARBIE Jeep so she thought she’d kill two birds with one stone and drink her BARBIE BEER in her BARBIE Jeep.  Well, that stone must have hit Officer Dick in the head cause no one I know, who’s not mentally impaired, lacks that much judgement.  And since when is it a crime to party at the beach?  The last time I checked…(interrupted by Icey Mee).

Icey Mee:  So are you saying that BARBIE BEER encouraged Ms. BARBIE to continue drinking BARBIE BEER after the photo shoot?

Mrs. Thyme:  Yes.  It was a part of the contract.  First there was the photo shoot and then the after party.  BARBIE was under contract to be there.  Period.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time.  We look forward to an update on this story.

Mrs. Thyme:  My pleasure.

 

BARBIE BEER has denied that BARBIE was working for them at the time of her arrest.  They do confirm that she was doing a photo shoot for them earlier that afternoon but said that it did not involve the consumption of any alcohol.

I’d like to thank our guests and viewers.  This is Icey Mee for the I.C.U. Network.  Join us next time and have a great night.

 

 

Catholicism gets a Make Over

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Good Evening and thank you for joining us here on the I.C.U. News Network.  I’m your host, Icey Mee.

Tonight I’ll be sitting down with the Vatican’s publicist, Cardinal Giavani Gianini Giavanio.  We’ll discuss today’s announcement regarding a make-over for Catholicism.  We’ll talk about why they’re doing it and what it means for you.  We’ll also be joined by CEO of Global Marketing, Inc., Iam Smartley.  This is the American Corporation hired by the Vatican to make-over the Church.

Icey Mee:  Good evening gentlemen.  Let’s begin.  Shall we?  Why the make-over?

Giavanio:  We’re concerned that evil is growing and that we are losing customers…I mean followers to Atheism, Buddhism, and Islamism.  (Smartley nods in agreement.  Icey Mee turns her attention to him).

Smartley:  I agree.  We’ve been watching this trend away from Catholicism for a number of years.  I reached out to Cardinal Giavanio and we had our first meeting about 6 months ago.  Our firm, Global Marketing, Inc., has since come up with some really good ideas to help rebuild their business…I mean following.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling) We are in the business of saving sooouuullss….Aaaaaaamen.

Icey Mee:  You say that your firm has come up with some good ideas.  Can you tell our viewers one of them?

Smartley:  Sure.  First of all, and after a tremendous amount of research and work by Global Marketing, Inc., we believe that the Church is dating itself with words like THEE, THY, and THOU.  We’d like to re-write…I mean update the bible a little.  You know, put it in a language the common man can relate to.  For example, instead of saying, “THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT MURDER,” say something like, ” Hey people, don’t kill anybody!  You think your life is lousy now?  Wait till you’re rotting in solitary confinement and pooping on yourself.”  We think that terminology like that really drives the point home.  You got your action and your consequences all in a couple effective sentences.

Icey Mee:  Do you think that changing a holy text would ruffle some feathers?

Giavanio:  (turns to Sharkley)  We did have that back lash when we changed from Latin to English.  And the King James Bible…(cut off by Sharkley)

Smartley:  But over all consumption…I mean following increased.  We think a new re-write…I mean update, will do the same thing.

Icey Mee:  I hear you say that you’d like to change the language of Catholicism.  What else do you believe is responsible for the decline in followers?

Smartley:  Our research indicates that the Church needs to focus more on its’ core competency, The Seven Deadly Sins.  All anyone hears about anymore is one sex scandal after another.  We know that getting the Church to focus on all seven of those sins is the key to success in this global economy.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling)  We are in the business of saving sooouuulllsss…Aaaamen.

Icey Mee:  Can you tell our viewers a little bit about your global marketing strategy?

Smartley:  We’ll have targeted marketing, of course, for different countries and continents.  For example, in the United States, although we’ll market…I mean talk about all the Seven Deadly sins, we’ll target greed and gluttony.  The people at Global Marketing, Inc. came up with some very effective ideas to get the word out about the new changes to Catholicism without it feeling like a make-over.  We have a book scheduled to hit stores, in about a month, called “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.”

Icey Mee:  Ohhh!  Can you share some “evil calorie burning” tips with us?

Smartley:  Sure!  One suggestion is instead of going to a fast food restaurant every evening, go once a week.  The other 6 nights go to Church and donate the money you would have spent on food.  If you’re still hungry when you leave church, you won’t have the money for the fast food.  BAM!  You’ve just burned 1500 evil calories.  We’re also partnering up with McDonald’s for that one night a week you do go out for fast food.  They have agreed to create a meal just for Catholics.  It’ll be called the “McJesus Meal.”  It comes with a fish sandwich, fries, holy water, and some figs for dessert.  If you agree to give a $1.00 donation at the checkout, you’ll get a bumper sticker that says, “Anybody that doesn’t love JESUS can and will go to HELL!

Icey Mee:  Can you tell us where the money from donations, book sales, and McDonalds’ sales will go?

Smartley:  We will use it to pay for the publication of “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.”  Those books don’t write themselves and Global Marketing, Inc put the money up front.  We’re also looking forward to publishing another book for the USA, targeted at greed.  It will be called, “Big Spiritual Bucks, A Catholics guide to imagining you have money.”  Whatever is left over after that, our operating expenses, and the Vatican’s operating expenses will go to help the poor.

Icey Mee:  How do you think people will react to the idea of giving away more, of the little money they have, to the Catholic Church during these tough economic times?

Smartley:  We’re not asking them to “give” away their money.  We’re helping them burn calories and rid themselves of their worldly possessions so they’ll look good when they enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Giavanio:  (ding a ling a ling a ling)  We’re in the business of saving sooouuullsss…Aaaaamen.

Icey Mee:  Thank you for your time gentlemen.  It’s been an enlightening conversation.

This is Icey Mee and you heard it first!  Live from the Vatican.  Signing off until the next big story.