Category Archives: philosophy

Notes on Being Ill

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i don’t know about you, but every time I get sick I think I have cancer. A cough and/or upper respiratory infection is lung cancer. A headache is a brain tumor. Diarrhea is colon cancer, and indigestion is esophageal cancer or possibly a heart attack. Uaually it just turns out that I had a cough, a headache, diarrhea, or indigestion.

Since I’ve been sick for almost 2 weeks with an upper respiratory infection, I’ve been getting my affairs in order for the inevitable  I pulled out the photo albums and looked through pictures of my loving family who I will probably never see again.  I wondered if they would miss me as much as I am missing them right now.  I cried for them and I cried for me. Then I moved on to cursing the ones who could care less about me and banished them from my impending funeral.  i wondered if the little ones would even remember me and pulled out the calculator to figure out exactly how long I had to live to stay in their memories   Two six year olds, divided by memory, divided by awesome things I did for them, equals at least three more years.  “OMG!,” I thought to myself “could I hang on another 3 years?”

Then I cursed myself for not updating my will and considered writing an addendum  I felt too sick to pull out a pen and paper.  This confirmed to me that I was about to die  I grabbed a box of Kleenex and cried and coughed up flem all night.  “Do I still want my fiefdom divided the way I wanted it divided last year?  I need to change my will because I’m sure I’m fighting with a different family member this year.  Come to think of it, maybe I should just divide the fiefdom equally because every year someone in the family has made amends for being an asshole and someone else takes over the role of asshole.  It’s  like musical assholes around here.”

Anyhoo, back to the point  I’m sick and probably dying of lung cancer…based on the cough and upper respiratory infection.

My gooogle search for home remedies convinced me that I was, indeed, dying of lung cancer.  I switched my search to cancer cures and found out that stress, lack of oxygen, lack of water, and a poor diet were the root causes of my self-diagnosed cancer.

Where the fuck can I find oxygen?  I thought it was in the air we breathe.  Do they sell that shit online?  I couldn’t find it anywhere, not even on Amazon.

Then I remembered grade school:  trees take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen  Humans take in oxygen and release carbon dioxide   So I googled trees and found out that one large tree can supply enough oxygen for 4 adults  Perfect.  I whipped out the calculator.  I have six large trees in my yard, divided by one adult, divided by small birds and maybe the occasional owl, definitely divided by squirrels, equals…..I’m killing my trees!  I need more adults to balance this ecosystem

So now I’m thinking maybe I have too much oxygen, not enough roommates, too many fucking squirrels, and not enough doctors.  Not to mention I’d prefer death than having to eat seaweed everyday for the rest of my life.

Then I read the very fine print on the cancer cure websites  It said they were not medical doctors and neither are you.  It said that they only practice in quackery and if you’ve been sick more than a week, you should consult a doctor now asshole instead of believing everything you read online

So maybe I’m the asshole in the family this year.  I can live with that.  I’m  not in my will.

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Why the Easter Bunny should be a Chicken

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There are a lot of reasons why the Easter Bunny should be a chicken.

  1. Why does the bunny leave eggs?  If I weren’t so lazy I would google that.  But I am.  And I am.
  2. I don’t know about you, but I eat CHICKEN on Easter.  Maybe a turkey if someone I know would return my roasting pan!
  3. Bunnies are really hard to eat…they are just so adorable!  Soft, cuddly…ok…they eat your electrical wire but you should know that by now from all your friends who tried to warn you.  But that is the lure of the cuddly bunny.  It is powerful.
  4. I never heard one person say that they wanted to cuddle with a chicken.  I guess that’s why we eat them.
  5. Chickens, like Bunnies, are pretty quick.  I think they could get the job done even faster than a bunny.
  6. I think if Chickens were in charge of Easter we’d have even more eggs!
  7. Chickens need a whole new marketing campaign.  They are way to edible to be a spokesperson for any holiday although they supply almost every holiday with delicious delights.  Afflac seems to be doing really well with the chicken.  Maybe we should ask them.
  8. Whose in charge of these chickens!  They should be fired immediately until we get some better holiday results.
  9. Would anybody be willing to eat a bunny or its offspring?  I don’t know about eating them….but then again I’m not starving.  I do love their fur.  I would totally go for that as long as I didn’t have to be the one to scalp a cute, adorable, little, cuddly bunny.
  10. Perhaps the mystery of the egg laying bunny at Easter time will just continue to go on until people realize that bunnies don’t lay eggs.  Chickens do…All hail the chicken!

Top ten reasons why blogging sucks

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1.  Why am I even blogging?  Who cares?

2.  Oh….that’s right…I’m blogging because I can’t drunk text and drive anymore.  I used to do a lot of drunk texting and driving but that got me into trouble with the law enforcement agencies and the people who serve them in my town.   Now I have to settle for talking to strangers behind the wheel of my computer.

3.  Come to think of it, why is it so much harder to drive slow than to drive fast?

4.  Ok.  Back to the point.  I think I’m on number 3 because I got distracted.  I hate blogging because everyone has a 100 day challenge.  Why put so much pressure on yourself?  Your just setting yourself up for failure and more drunk texting and driving when you realize there are real writers in this universe who know what they are doing and have been practicing for a long time.  Don’t be discouraged…if you keep it up long enough you may be a real rabbit too someday.

5.   How do you categorize blogs?  …………………

6.  I mean…I think my blogs are funny…

7.  You see what I mean about why blogging sucks.  Maybe I should have posted that under mental illness.

8.  Do people follow me because they want to be followed or are they following me because they think I’m funny…which is where I post most of my blogs…and mental illness.

9.  Just how much time do I have to devote myself to blogging?  Who’s gonna do the dishes, wash the clothes, and plow the field?  That shit takes time…valuable time away from blogging.

10.  I’ll never be able to do a 100 day challenge and that makes me feel like I’m not a real blogger…but it also makes me feel good about myself.  I’m a rebel…a real pretend blogger.

Mrs. Potato Arrested for Child Endangerment

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Hello everyone.  I’m Icey Mee and you’re watching the I.C.U. News Network.  We have THE scoop tonight on a story breaking in an undisclosed county jail.  This picture was smuggled out by a disgruntled child who went to visit her father.  We can confirm that the pictures are valid and that Mrs. Potato has been arrested on child endangerment charges, as well as a host of other charges, after an appearance on the ‘Stay Home Show’ where she was seen eating the free chips.

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Authorities are telling us that although the chips were free, they were not for HER to eat as they are blood relatives.  Mrs. Potato was also booked on charges of theft, not having proper ID, and lending her arms to another person, which violates penal code #13452 in California.  This code clearly states that the government or corporations shall have the right to borrow your arms but a family member shall not.  It also clearly states that the government or corporation shall have the right to deny you healthcare, enslave you, starve you, jail you or bore you to death, but that the Parent, of said person, shall not.  She faces a minimum of 13 years in solitary confinement for these 3 charges.

Icey Mee is able to make phone contact with the child who smuggled the photos of Mrs. Potato out of the jail.  Her identity will remain private as she is a minor.

Icey Mee:  Hello and welcome to the show.  Why did you decide to take such a risk to smuggle out these photos?

Child:  I can’t take it anymore!  First they arrested Flynn Ryder and Maximus….(pause…child starts to cry).  Tangled was my favorite movie!  Whaaaa!  Whaaaa!  Boohoohoo.  Boohoohoo.  (Icey Mee waits for the child to be able to talk again).  Then I saw that they were trying to take my chips away!  I had to do something to stop this!  Whaaaa!  I love my chippies….Boohoo.  Boohoo.

Icey Mee:  I can see that you are very upset dear.

Child:  Are they gonna take my dippy sauce next?

Icey Mee:  Well I certainly hope no one takes your chips and dippy sauce.  Tell me, How did you get into the jail with a camera?

Child:  (She perked up a little bit).  Oh!  We all know how to do it.  Our parents watch Lock Down.

Icey Mee:  Why were you at the jail?  You’re just a little girl.

Child:  My dad is there.

Icey Mee:  Why is your dad there?

Child:  He said he was just trying to make a living.

Icey Mee:  It seems like you are more upset about your chippies and Flynn Ryder than your dad.  Can you talk to us about that?

Child:  I am upset about my dad.  But everyone says he is where he needs to be.  I don’t get it…but I’m sure that Flynn Ryder and Mrs. Potato don’t belong there.  Whaaa.  Whaaaaaa.  Boohoo.  Boohoo…hoo.

Icey Mee:  Oh honey, don’t cry.  You’ve done a very brave thing by letting us know that all of your favorite things have been taken away from you.

Child:  Boohoo…Is everything wrong?  Am I going to jail too?  I’m trying to be perfect but nobody believes me.  Whaaaa.  Whaaa.  Boohoo.

Icey Mee:  It is true that many people in the place you live will find fault with you.  But we at the I.C.U. News Network are going to help you.  Sweet dreams.

The conversation between Icey Mee and the little girl ends.

Icey Mee:  Welcome back to the I.C.U. News Network.  Thank you for joining us tonight.  The I.C.U. Network is putting out a call to help this little girl and the millions like her who have parents in jail.  It’s time to STOP incarcerating our society.  Everything is NOT a crime.  Maybe it is an opportunity to see where things can be changed.  Maybe it is an opportunity to look at our policies and practices regarding human beings of every race, religion, and color.  Maybe it’s time to wake up and count the roses, most of whom in this country are in prisons and jails.  Maybe it’s time to wake up and smell the torture of supermax prisons.  I would be arrested if I treated my dog that way.

Good Night.  And a good tomorrow.  Thank you for tuning in.

 

Interview with a Potato

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Hello all, and welcome to the Stay Home Show.  I’m your host, the Stay at Home Philosopher.  Today we have a veeery special guest.  Known and loved by billions all around the world.  Whether you’ve run into him half baked, deep fried, or shredded, there is no denying the power of this starchy, tuberous crop.  Soooooo, without further ado, (as she WHIPS the audience into a frenzy) please welcome Potato to the Stay Home show.

The audience screams and shouts with joy!

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I know they may look calm to you, but I couldn’t figure out how to get everyone’s hands up at the same time.  Trust me, they were ecstatic to see potato in his original form.

Stay at Home:  Mr. Potato, welcome to the Stay Home Show.  Welcome, Welllcoooome!  (Stay at Home laughs and drinks her beer while she waits for the audience to calm down).  Mr. Potato, you seem to have quite a following.  What do you attribute this to?  How did you rise to this level?

Potato:  Well, I have been around for a while.  (Potato laughs with the audience.  “Duhhhh, what a stupid question,” they think to themselves).  As a matter of fact, I’ve been around forever!  (Crowd and Potato still laughing at The Stay At Home Philosopher).

Stay at Home:  What do you mean you’ve been around forever?  (Stay at Home feels stupid about the question she just asked.  How is she supposed to know what a real potato is?  Does anyone know what a real potato looks like anymore?  Feeling backed into a corner, she decides to ask a hard hitting question to get her dignity back.  She doesn’t know much about Potato but she does know her history).  Are you hinting at the Irish Potato famine?  Were you there?  (audience goes silent).

Potato:  I’ve been blamed for good times and bad times throughout history and I took a lot of heat for it.  No pun intended.  (Audience and Potato laugh).

Stay at Home:  So you were there?

Potato:  Yes.  I was there. (Audience goes into a more silent hush than the previous hush).

Stay at Home:  So what you are telling us today is that you are responsible for the death of millions and the invasion, I mean emigration, of the Irish, to the United States.  (audience, most of whom are Irish, boooo Stay at Home).

Potato:  The Irish did depend heavily on me.  That was their mistake, not mine.  A lot of people would like to blame me for the blight, but it’s not my fault.  It was a political and social problem.  The same kind we have today.

Stay at Home:  Are you saying you’re not to blame for the death of millions with your rotted core and black leaves when you were the only thing that 80% of the Irish relied on?

Potato:  What I’m saying is that I’m just a potato.  I’m delicious and nutritious.  Loaded with vitamin C.  There are so many things that can be done with me including starting a war.

Stay at Home:  I think we can all agree that you are delicious.  Audience, raise your hand if you think Potato is delicious.  (Audience raises their hands).  But who said anything about a war?  Mr. Potato, are you saying that the United States had something to do with the Irish Potato Famine?  (Silence falls over the audience again).

Potato:  I wouldn’t say it’s their fault but they certainly have culpability in this matter.  (Audience screams and jeers at Potato.  His own wife starts to eat Potato chips.)

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Stay at Home:  And is revenge what you’re up to Potato?  Did you reinvent yourself and make yourself with so many new and delicious flavors that Americans would become obese?  (Mr. Potato remains silent).  Answer the question Mr. Potato!  (the audience demands answers as well).

Potato:  If I knew you were going to go in this direction, I would have prepared a better answer yesterpotato.  All I can say, today, is that everyone would do well by taking 100% responsibility for all of history.  The earth would progress much more quickly.

The crowd goes into a frenzy and shreds Potato.

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Stay at Home:  Thank you all for coming to today’s show.  Tomorrow, we’ll be making hash browns.  Our special guest will be Vegetable Oil.  Have a wonderful night!

 

I'm badly shredded but still alive!

I’m badly shredded but still alive!

 

Things I have in Common with the Buddha

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  1. Big Belly – check
  2. Likes to laugh – check
  3. Robe – check
  4. Holds the secrets to the Universe – working on it
  5. Can sit in Lotus position forever – I’m up to 10 minutes
  6. Has a statue – hmmmm.  I’m gonna need a kiln.
  7. Has very little hair – mine is falling out as we speak
  8. Has many worshipers and followers – I have about 65 of the 6 billion people who inhabit our planet.  It’s a pretty good start!  Well, that’s on WordPress.  Nobody on Facebook really likes me too much.  I don’t get Facebook.
  9. That’s all I know about Buddha.

How I got the Son of God to cut my grass

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First Text – 2:56 pm:  The grass is looking a little high.  I think it wants a hair cut.

No response from the Son of God…


Second text – 3:42 pm

I guess you missed the mental imagery I was trying to convey in my last text.  Maybe this will help

I guess you missed the mental imagery I was trying to convey in my last text. Maybe this will help

No Response from the Son of God…


Third text – 4:50 pm

Help!!!!!  I've fallen and I can't cut the grass!

Help!!!!! I’ve fallen and I can’t cut the grass!

No Response from the Son of God…


Fourth Text – 6:06 pm

This is a picture of my shed.  What's missing? Answer:  a lawn mower!

This is a picture of my shed. What’s missing?
Answer: a lawn mower!

No Response from the Son of God…


Fifth Text – 6:26 pm

Holy shit!  The grass is threatening to kill itself if it doesn't get a hair cut.  Do you really want this on your hands?

Holy shit! The grass is threatening to kill itself if it doesn’t get a hair cut. Do you really want this on your hands?

The Son of God replies:  Fine Mom…I’ll be there in the morning.