Category Archives: food

Notes on Being Ill

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i don’t know about you, but every time I get sick I think I have cancer. A cough and/or upper respiratory infection is lung cancer. A headache is a brain tumor. Diarrhea is colon cancer, and indigestion is esophageal cancer or possibly a heart attack. Uaually it just turns out that I had a cough, a headache, diarrhea, or indigestion.

Since I’ve been sick for almost 2 weeks with an upper respiratory infection, I’ve been getting my affairs in order for the inevitable  I pulled out the photo albums and looked through pictures of my loving family who I will probably never see again.  I wondered if they would miss me as much as I am missing them right now.  I cried for them and I cried for me. Then I moved on to cursing the ones who could care less about me and banished them from my impending funeral.  i wondered if the little ones would even remember me and pulled out the calculator to figure out exactly how long I had to live to stay in their memories   Two six year olds, divided by memory, divided by awesome things I did for them, equals at least three more years.  “OMG!,” I thought to myself “could I hang on another 3 years?”

Then I cursed myself for not updating my will and considered writing an addendum  I felt too sick to pull out a pen and paper.  This confirmed to me that I was about to die  I grabbed a box of Kleenex and cried and coughed up flem all night.  “Do I still want my fiefdom divided the way I wanted it divided last year?  I need to change my will because I’m sure I’m fighting with a different family member this year.  Come to think of it, maybe I should just divide the fiefdom equally because every year someone in the family has made amends for being an asshole and someone else takes over the role of asshole.  It’s  like musical assholes around here.”

Anyhoo, back to the point  I’m sick and probably dying of lung cancer…based on the cough and upper respiratory infection.

My gooogle search for home remedies convinced me that I was, indeed, dying of lung cancer.  I switched my search to cancer cures and found out that stress, lack of oxygen, lack of water, and a poor diet were the root causes of my self-diagnosed cancer.

Where the fuck can I find oxygen?  I thought it was in the air we breathe.  Do they sell that shit online?  I couldn’t find it anywhere, not even on Amazon.

Then I remembered grade school:  trees take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen  Humans take in oxygen and release carbon dioxide   So I googled trees and found out that one large tree can supply enough oxygen for 4 adults  Perfect.  I whipped out the calculator.  I have six large trees in my yard, divided by one adult, divided by small birds and maybe the occasional owl, definitely divided by squirrels, equals…..I’m killing my trees!  I need more adults to balance this ecosystem

So now I’m thinking maybe I have too much oxygen, not enough roommates, too many fucking squirrels, and not enough doctors.  Not to mention I’d prefer death than having to eat seaweed everyday for the rest of my life.

Then I read the very fine print on the cancer cure websites  It said they were not medical doctors and neither are you.  It said that they only practice in quackery and if you’ve been sick more than a week, you should consult a doctor now asshole instead of believing everything you read online

So maybe I’m the asshole in the family this year.  I can live with that.  I’m  not in my will.

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Easy Potato Soup made Difficult

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Potato soup is awesome!  Potato’s are very popular and have been for at least a couple hundred years.  I wonder if potatoes ever get a big head and how you would know that…..  It must feel really good to be popular for 100’s of years.  I’ve never personally met an arrogant potato, but that’s just my experience.  If you think about it, any person would feel good to be popular at least through grade school.  So cud-do’s to potatoes for kicking it for so long.  The potato has got it all goin on.  You are a starchy, tuberous, delicious, delight…

Everyone should have potato SOUP at least once in their lifetime.  If not this one, then the next…please.  It’s simple, satisfying, and perhaps a little hob-nobberish if you call it Vichyssoise.   I think that’s French for “I’m better than you cause you didn’t know about potato soup.”

But when my daughter asked me for the recipe for the potato…things got a little weird.  For most families, this type of request wouldn’t be a problem….

“Hey Ma…how’d you make that potato soup?”

“No problem doll, I’ll email you the recipe right now.  it’s easy.”

“Love you!”

“Love you too!”

No such luck in this family.  Daughter is a little challenged in the kitchen.  I know this because she called to ask how she’ll know when water is boiling.  I told her she would see the bubbles.  She asked how big they should be….ahhhhhhh!!!!!

So I did my best to draft an email to my daughter about how to make delicious potato soup.

This is an almost exact draft of my email to her.

“Hello Beautiful,

here we go….i’m going to put as much detail into this as i possibly can. don’t call me! i won’t have anything else to say…ha.

1. take out a large pot, preferably a clean one, and put it on the stove.

2. turn the heat on to your medium setting. (that would be the burner with the clean, empty pot on it.)

3. grab a stick of butter out of the fridge. don’t worry about the empty pot sitting on the burner. put the stick of butter near your pot.

4. now go grab about 3 or 4 medium sized onions and cut them up how ever seems best to you. I usually just cut them into quarters. if you don’t know what a quarter is. I have failed you in your education.

5. go back to the empty pot with your onions and a box of kleenex because you’ll be crying by now, or you could just run your hands under cold water. dump the onions into the pot. now put about 1/2 a stick of butter into the same pot.   Go searching for the pot lid that you forgot to take out when you started. this should give the butter just enough time to start melting.

6. stir the mixture up. put in some salt and pepper. put in a little less than you think you need. you can always add more. put a lid on it.  walk away.

7. grab 5 or 6 big potatoes. peel them and start to cut them up. oops! better check on those onions. go to the oven and give the onion and butter mixture a good stir.  make sure it’s not burning.

8. finish cutting the potatoes. at least 5 to 7 minutes should have passed by now. dump the potatoes into the pot. add more butter, (1/2 a stick), salt and pepper.

9 put some water in your tea kettle. its time for a cup of jo….just kidding. boil at least 8 oz of water. go stir your mixture.

10. put 4 cubes of chicken bouillon in a mug so it can dissolve.(don’t forget to put the boiled water into the mug…that’s what dissolves the bouillon.) it’ll probably take about 3 minutes to dissolve. dump it into the mixture and stir. If the water level is too far below the mixture, add more water, don’t add so much that it comes over the mixture.

11. turn the heat to high and bring it to a boil.

12. then adjust the heat to a slow boil and cook for about 10 to 15 minutes. just stick a fork in a potato to see if its cooked.

13 the fun part….whip out your new, handy dandy whipper upper.

14. take the pot off the stove. turn off your heat. and start whipping. (keep the whipper submersed while you are whipping or you will be badly burned and your walls will have a funny onion smell).

15. when its mostly pureed, put in a huge, really big, probably just should’ve used 2 tablespoons, tablespoon of sour cream. then add about a 1/4 stick to 1/2 stick of cream cheese.

16. mix again

you’re a soup goddess now!”

She called me 6 times after this email.

  • 1st phone call: 3:24 pm

asked for the ingredients. FAIR ENOUGH. it is called potato soup so I didn’t think we’d have much trouble with that one. We were on the phone for about 4 minutes going over the minutia of potatoes. I learned alot.  Acme is having a sale on Green Giant Potatoes.

  • 2nd phone call: 4:38 pm

asked me how to find the email i sent her about the potato soup…..NOT FAIR!

  • 3rd phone call: 5:36 pm

told me that the onions might be burning and asked what to do…….Well……..just turn the heat up dear!

  • 4th phone call: 6:03 pm

told me that the 8 oz of water didn’t seem like enough to boil the mixture in. I told her that I didn’t know how big or what size pot she was using so she would have to make that water level decision without me. But she did understand what I meant about the pot size and the water level.! Besides that, I already addressed that situation in #10.

  • 5th phone call: 6:46pm

told me that she put a fork in one potato and it split. but then she tested another one and it didn’t split quite the same way. I said, “You’re Done and so are the potatoes! move on to the next step.”

  • 6th phone call: 7:01pm

wanted to know if the mixer got hot while you were whipping HOT potato soup! I said she should re-read the directions for the mixer and the soup. I wasn’t supposed to get any phone calls.

Love,

Mom

Why the Easter Bunny should be a Chicken

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There are a lot of reasons why the Easter Bunny should be a chicken.

  1. Why does the bunny leave eggs?  If I weren’t so lazy I would google that.  But I am.  And I am.
  2. I don’t know about you, but I eat CHICKEN on Easter.  Maybe a turkey if someone I know would return my roasting pan!
  3. Bunnies are really hard to eat…they are just so adorable!  Soft, cuddly…ok…they eat your electrical wire but you should know that by now from all your friends who tried to warn you.  But that is the lure of the cuddly bunny.  It is powerful.
  4. I never heard one person say that they wanted to cuddle with a chicken.  I guess that’s why we eat them.
  5. Chickens, like Bunnies, are pretty quick.  I think they could get the job done even faster than a bunny.
  6. I think if Chickens were in charge of Easter we’d have even more eggs!
  7. Chickens need a whole new marketing campaign.  They are way to edible to be a spokesperson for any holiday although they supply almost every holiday with delicious delights.  Afflac seems to be doing really well with the chicken.  Maybe we should ask them.
  8. Whose in charge of these chickens!  They should be fired immediately until we get some better holiday results.
  9. Would anybody be willing to eat a bunny or its offspring?  I don’t know about eating them….but then again I’m not starving.  I do love their fur.  I would totally go for that as long as I didn’t have to be the one to scalp a cute, adorable, little, cuddly bunny.
  10. Perhaps the mystery of the egg laying bunny at Easter time will just continue to go on until people realize that bunnies don’t lay eggs.  Chickens do…All hail the chicken!