Category Archives: drinking

Interview with a Potato

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Hello all, and welcome to the Stay Home Show.  I’m your host, the Stay at Home Philosopher.  Today we have a veeery special guest.  Known and loved by billions all around the world.  Whether you’ve run into him half baked, deep fried, or shredded, there is no denying the power of this starchy, tuberous crop.  Soooooo, without further ado, (as she WHIPS the audience into a frenzy) please welcome Potato to the Stay Home show.

The audience screams and shouts with joy!

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I know they may look calm to you, but I couldn’t figure out how to get everyone’s hands up at the same time.  Trust me, they were ecstatic to see potato in his original form.

Stay at Home:  Mr. Potato, welcome to the Stay Home Show.  Welcome, Welllcoooome!  (Stay at Home laughs and drinks her beer while she waits for the audience to calm down).  Mr. Potato, you seem to have quite a following.  What do you attribute this to?  How did you rise to this level?

Potato:  Well, I have been around for a while.  (Potato laughs with the audience.  “Duhhhh, what a stupid question,” they think to themselves).  As a matter of fact, I’ve been around forever!  (Crowd and Potato still laughing at The Stay At Home Philosopher).

Stay at Home:  What do you mean you’ve been around forever?  (Stay at Home feels stupid about the question she just asked.  How is she supposed to know what a real potato is?  Does anyone know what a real potato looks like anymore?  Feeling backed into a corner, she decides to ask a hard hitting question to get her dignity back.  She doesn’t know much about Potato but she does know her history).  Are you hinting at the Irish Potato famine?  Were you there?  (audience goes silent).

Potato:  I’ve been blamed for good times and bad times throughout history and I took a lot of heat for it.  No pun intended.  (Audience and Potato laugh).

Stay at Home:  So you were there?

Potato:  Yes.  I was there. (Audience goes into a more silent hush than the previous hush).

Stay at Home:  So what you are telling us today is that you are responsible for the death of millions and the invasion, I mean emigration, of the Irish, to the United States.  (audience, most of whom are Irish, boooo Stay at Home).

Potato:  The Irish did depend heavily on me.  That was their mistake, not mine.  A lot of people would like to blame me for the blight, but it’s not my fault.  It was a political and social problem.  The same kind we have today.

Stay at Home:  Are you saying you’re not to blame for the death of millions with your rotted core and black leaves when you were the only thing that 80% of the Irish relied on?

Potato:  What I’m saying is that I’m just a potato.  I’m delicious and nutritious.  Loaded with vitamin C.  There are so many things that can be done with me including starting a war.

Stay at Home:  I think we can all agree that you are delicious.  Audience, raise your hand if you think Potato is delicious.  (Audience raises their hands).  But who said anything about a war?  Mr. Potato, are you saying that the United States had something to do with the Irish Potato Famine?  (Silence falls over the audience again).

Potato:  I wouldn’t say it’s their fault but they certainly have culpability in this matter.  (Audience screams and jeers at Potato.  His own wife starts to eat Potato chips.)

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Stay at Home:  And is revenge what you’re up to Potato?  Did you reinvent yourself and make yourself with so many new and delicious flavors that Americans would become obese?  (Mr. Potato remains silent).  Answer the question Mr. Potato!  (the audience demands answers as well).

Potato:  If I knew you were going to go in this direction, I would have prepared a better answer yesterpotato.  All I can say, today, is that everyone would do well by taking 100% responsibility for all of history.  The earth would progress much more quickly.

The crowd goes into a frenzy and shreds Potato.

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Stay at Home:  Thank you all for coming to today’s show.  Tomorrow, we’ll be making hash browns.  Our special guest will be Vegetable Oil.  Have a wonderful night!

 

I'm badly shredded but still alive!

I’m badly shredded but still alive!

 

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God doesn’t take Advice so Well (“Kinda Drunk God” – Part 2)

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Against his friends better advice, God left the bar with the woman in the corner, in red.  He took control of her car and they argued the entire way back to her place.  He told her she was a wreck and needed to get her life together.  She told him to fuck off and mind his own business.  “You drank every drink I bought for you tonight!” said the woman in red.  “I know,” said God calmly, “but I did it because it’s what you wanted me to do.  I can’t do anything that you don’t want me to do.”

“You are so arrogant and so pretentious I almost can’t stand it!  WTF does that mean?!?!  Am I to blame for everything I do and everything you do?!?!  Give me a break!  Why don’t you go pick up some whore that really needs help…the lady in red looks up for a moment then said…”turn left here.”

“OK, here we go!” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I don’t think this is the direction we should be going in.”

“I’m right, I’m wrong!  Can’t you make a fucking decision!..I can’t take it,”  yelled the woman in red.  “Just turn fucking left NOW!”

The next morning, God woke up in the bedroom of the woman in red.  She offered him cigarettes for his allergies and some coffee to help him get out of bed.  “What the fuck have you done to me now?” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I can’t move my legs, my speech is slurred, my eye sight is less than average, but you still look like a cool chick to me.  Can I get your number?”