i don’t know about you, but every time I get sick I think I have cancer. A cough and/or upper respiratory infection is lung cancer. A headache is a brain tumor. Diarrhea is colon cancer, and indigestion is esophageal cancer or possibly a heart attack. Uaually it just turns out that I had a cough, a headache, diarrhea, or indigestion.
Since I’ve been sick for almost 2 weeks with an upper respiratory infection, I’ve been getting my affairs in order for the inevitable I pulled out the photo albums and looked through pictures of my loving family who I will probably never see again. I wondered if they would miss me as much as I am missing them right now. I cried for them and I cried for me. Then I moved on to cursing the ones who could care less about me and banished them from my impending funeral. i wondered if the little ones would even remember me and pulled out the calculator to figure out exactly how long I had to live to stay in their memories Two six year olds, divided by memory, divided by awesome things I did for them, equals at least three more years. “OMG!,” I thought to myself “could I hang on another 3 years?”
Then I cursed myself for not updating my will and considered writing an addendum I felt too sick to pull out a pen and paper. This confirmed to me that I was about to die I grabbed a box of Kleenex and cried and coughed up flem all night. “Do I still want my fiefdom divided the way I wanted it divided last year? I need to change my will because I’m sure I’m fighting with a different family member this year. Come to think of it, maybe I should just divide the fiefdom equally because every year someone in the family has made amends for being an asshole and someone else takes over the role of asshole. It’s like musical assholes around here.”
Anyhoo, back to the point I’m sick and probably dying of lung cancer…based on the cough and upper respiratory infection.
My gooogle search for home remedies convinced me that I was, indeed, dying of lung cancer. I switched my search to cancer cures and found out that stress, lack of oxygen, lack of water, and a poor diet were the root causes of my self-diagnosed cancer.
Where the fuck can I find oxygen? I thought it was in the air we breathe. Do they sell that shit online? I couldn’t find it anywhere, not even on Amazon.
Then I remembered grade school: trees take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen Humans take in oxygen and release carbon dioxide So I googled trees and found out that one large tree can supply enough oxygen for 4 adults Perfect. I whipped out the calculator. I have six large trees in my yard, divided by one adult, divided by small birds and maybe the occasional owl, definitely divided by squirrels, equals…..I’m killing my trees! I need more adults to balance this ecosystem
So now I’m thinking maybe I have too much oxygen, not enough roommates, too many fucking squirrels, and not enough doctors. Not to mention I’d prefer death than having to eat seaweed everyday for the rest of my life.
Then I read the very fine print on the cancer cure websites It said they were not medical doctors and neither are you. It said that they only practice in quackery and if you’ve been sick more than a week, you should consult a doctor now asshole instead of believing everything you read online
So maybe I’m the asshole in the family this year. I can live with that. I’m not in my will.