Hello all, and welcome to the Stay Home Show. I’m your host, the Stay at Home Philosopher. Today we have a veeery special guest. Known and loved by billions all around the world. Whether you’ve run into him half baked, deep fried, or shredded, there is no denying the power of this starchy, tuberous crop. Soooooo, without further ado, (as she WHIPS the audience into a frenzy) please welcome Potato to the Stay Home show.
The audience screams and shouts with joy!
I know they may look calm to you, but I couldn’t figure out how to get everyone’s hands up at the same time. Trust me, they were ecstatic to see potato in his original form.
Stay at Home: Mr. Potato, welcome to the Stay Home Show. Welcome, Welllcoooome! (Stay at Home laughs and drinks her beer while she waits for the audience to calm down). Mr. Potato, you seem to have quite a following. What do you attribute this to? How did you rise to this level?
Potato: Well, I have been around for a while. (Potato laughs with the audience. “Duhhhh, what a stupid question,” they think to themselves). As a matter of fact, I’ve been around forever! (Crowd and Potato still laughing at The Stay At Home Philosopher).
Stay at Home: What do you mean you’ve been around forever? (Stay at Home feels stupid about the question she just asked. How is she supposed to know what a real potato is? Does anyone know what a real potato looks like anymore? Feeling backed into a corner, she decides to ask a hard hitting question to get her dignity back. She doesn’t know much about Potato but she does know her history). Are you hinting at the Irish Potato famine? Were you there? (audience goes silent).
Potato: I’ve been blamed for good times and bad times throughout history and I took a lot of heat for it. No pun intended. (Audience and Potato laugh).
Stay at Home: So you were there?
Potato: Yes. I was there. (Audience goes into a more silent hush than the previous hush).
Stay at Home: So what you are telling us today is that you are responsible for the death of millions and the invasion, I mean emigration, of the Irish, to the United States. (audience, most of whom are Irish, boooo Stay at Home).
Potato: The Irish did depend heavily on me. That was their mistake, not mine. A lot of people would like to blame me for the blight, but it’s not my fault. It was a political and social problem. The same kind we have today.
Stay at Home: Are you saying you’re not to blame for the death of millions with your rotted core and black leaves when you were the only thing that 80% of the Irish relied on?
Potato: What I’m saying is that I’m just a potato. I’m delicious and nutritious. Loaded with vitamin C. There are so many things that can be done with me including starting a war.
Stay at Home: I think we can all agree that you are delicious. Audience, raise your hand if you think Potato is delicious. (Audience raises their hands). But who said anything about a war? Mr. Potato, are you saying that the United States had something to do with the Irish Potato Famine? (Silence falls over the audience again).
Potato: I wouldn’t say it’s their fault but they certainly have culpability in this matter. (Audience screams and jeers at Potato. His own wife starts to eat Potato chips.)
Stay at Home: And is revenge what you’re up to Potato? Did you reinvent yourself and make yourself with so many new and delicious flavors that Americans would become obese? (Mr. Potato remains silent). Answer the question Mr. Potato! (the audience demands answers as well).
Potato: If I knew you were going to go in this direction, I would have prepared a better answer yesterpotato. All I can say, today, is that everyone would do well by taking 100% responsibility for all of history. The earth would progress much more quickly.
The crowd goes into a frenzy and shreds Potato.
Stay at Home: Thank you all for coming to today’s show. Tomorrow, we’ll be making hash browns. Our special guest will be Vegetable Oil. Have a wonderful night!