Good Evening and thank you for joining us here on the I.C.U. News Network. I’m your host, Icey Mee.
Tonight I’ll be sitting down with the Vatican’s publicist, Cardinal Giavani Gianini Giavanio. We’ll discuss today’s announcement regarding a make-over for Catholicism. We’ll talk about why they’re doing it and what it means for you. We’ll also be joined by CEO of Global Marketing, Inc., Iam Smartley. This is the American Corporation hired by the Vatican to make-over the Church.
Icey Mee: Good evening gentlemen. Let’s begin. Shall we? Why the make-over?
Giavanio: We’re concerned that evil is growing and that we are losing customers…I mean followers to Atheism, Buddhism, and Islamism. (Smartley nods in agreement. Icey Mee turns her attention to him).
Smartley: I agree. We’ve been watching this trend away from Catholicism for a number of years. I reached out to Cardinal Giavanio and we had our first meeting about 6 months ago. Our firm, Global Marketing, Inc., has since come up with some really good ideas to help rebuild their business…I mean following.
Giavanio: (ding a ling a ling) We are in the business of saving sooouuullss….Aaaaaaamen.
Icey Mee: You say that your firm has come up with some good ideas. Can you tell our viewers one of them?
Smartley: Sure. First of all, and after a tremendous amount of research and work by Global Marketing, Inc., we believe that the Church is dating itself with words like THEE, THY, and THOU. We’d like to re-write…I mean update the bible a little. You know, put it in a language the common man can relate to. For example, instead of saying, “THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT MURDER,” say something like, ” Hey people, don’t kill anybody! You think your life is lousy now? Wait till you’re rotting in solitary confinement and pooping on yourself.” We think that terminology like that really drives the point home. You got your action and your consequences all in a couple effective sentences.
Icey Mee: Do you think that changing a holy text would ruffle some feathers?
Giavanio: (turns to Sharkley) We did have that back lash when we changed from Latin to English. And the King James Bible…(cut off by Sharkley)
Smartley: But over all consumption…I mean following increased. We think a new re-write…I mean update, will do the same thing.
Icey Mee: I hear you say that you’d like to change the language of Catholicism. What else do you believe is responsible for the decline in followers?
Smartley: Our research indicates that the Church needs to focus more on its’ core competency, The Seven Deadly Sins. All anyone hears about anymore is one sex scandal after another. We know that getting the Church to focus on all seven of those sins is the key to success in this global economy.
Giavanio: (ding a ling a ling) We are in the business of saving sooouuulllsss…Aaaamen.
Icey Mee: Can you tell our viewers a little bit about your global marketing strategy?
Smartley: We’ll have targeted marketing, of course, for different countries and continents. For example, in the United States, although we’ll market…I mean talk about all the Seven Deadly sins, we’ll target greed and gluttony. The people at Global Marketing, Inc. came up with some very effective ideas to get the word out about the new changes to Catholicism without it feeling like a make-over. We have a book scheduled to hit stores, in about a month, called “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.”
Icey Mee: Ohhh! Can you share some “evil calorie burning” tips with us?
Smartley: Sure! One suggestion is instead of going to a fast food restaurant every evening, go once a week. The other 6 nights go to Church and donate the money you would have spent on food. If you’re still hungry when you leave church, you won’t have the money for the fast food. BAM! You’ve just burned 1500 evil calories. We’re also partnering up with McDonald’s for that one night a week you do go out for fast food. They have agreed to create a meal just for Catholics. It’ll be called the “McJesus Meal.” It comes with a fish sandwich, fries, holy water, and some figs for dessert. If you agree to give a $1.00 donation at the checkout, you’ll get a bumper sticker that says, “Anybody that doesn’t love JESUS can and will go to HELL!
Icey Mee: Can you tell us where the money from donations, book sales, and McDonalds’ sales will go?
Smartley: We will use it to pay for the publication of “The God Diet, How to Burn Evil Calories with Catholicism.” Those books don’t write themselves and Global Marketing, Inc put the money up front. We’re also looking forward to publishing another book for the USA, targeted at greed. It will be called, “Big Spiritual Bucks, A Catholics guide to imagining you have money.” Whatever is left over after that, our operating expenses, and the Vatican’s operating expenses will go to help the poor.
Icey Mee: How do you think people will react to the idea of giving away more, of the little money they have, to the Catholic Church during these tough economic times?
Smartley: We’re not asking them to “give” away their money. We’re helping them burn calories and rid themselves of their worldly possessions so they’ll look good when they enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
Giavanio: (ding a ling a ling a ling) We’re in the business of saving sooouuullsss…Aaaaamen.
Icey Mee: Thank you for your time gentlemen. It’s been an enlightening conversation.
This is Icey Mee and you heard it first! Live from the Vatican. Signing off until the next big story.