Have you Got a Spare Button?

I was at my daughter’s house this evening. I had to drop everything and rush over because we had a 3rd grade project due on Wednesday. My grand daughter said she could make 50 hair bows to sell at their year end school party. And when I say sell, I mean play money…the kind 8 and 9 year olds have. And when I say bows, I mean real bows, like the kind that need really expensive ribbon and hair clips. She proposed to her teacher that she could do this for under $15.

I asked my daughter how long she thought it would take to make 50 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Lets see….5 loaves of bread at $2.00 plus a jar of peanut butter at $6.00, plus a jar of jelly at $2.00. I’m getting $18.00 and about 2 hours labor…at least for me, at the minimum wage….is still more than $15.00!!!!!

Who the hell is running this project? Someone from China?? I don’t know what their minimum wage is there, but they certainly use child labor and now I’m wondering if feeding the children peanut butter and jelly sandwiches 3 times a day for a 10 hour work day is cost effective for them. Plus they are supplying room and board. What the F is going on in China? Now I’m upset but too old and tired to do anything about it. Anyhoo, we have 50 hair bows to make and we aren’t geared up for that kind of production.

So Nanny went to 5 different stores to find 50, 50!, hair clips at a cost of about $14.99. Yes, $15.00 for 50 fucking metal hair clips. I’m thinking China is on to something. I had the ribbon in my crap room but it still costs money. Charity really does start at home and if you have a 3rd grader with projects due in school, you will understand this.

So I’m at my daughter’s house and my grand daughter is kicking butt at making hair bows with the Bowdabra…. I also bought….for her to make 50! hair bows. My daughter reminded me that we needed to stay out of her project. Well, I guess I’m not involved with the shit load of crap I drove up to her house and the shit load of crap that I bought. Fine, I agreed to pretend we had nothing to do with this as long as she was the one who made the fucking hair bows. Now technically, the Bowdabra is mine so I can’t include it in the cost. But I never wanted a Bowdabra. I don’t know how to calculate the cost of me not wanting something. But now I own a Bowdabra.

The 50! hair bows were made by my grand daughter. But they looked like they needed a little something to pizazz them up. I agreed and I had already prepared for this. I had buttons and sparkly gems to glue into the centers of the 50! hair bows. We were running low on buttons for the center so I asked my daughter if she had any spare buttons. She said no. I said, “What! Where is your button jar?” She said maybe she would have one by the time she was 40 years old but right now she doesn’t have one. Her husband said, “How can you not have a button jar?!? I don’t know how to sew but I know you need a button jar to sew a button onto a shirt or a pair of pants occasionally. Did you ever do anything? How can you not have a button jar or know how to sew a button. My daughter said, “When I buy a shirt or pants, it usually comes with buttons.”

Notes on Being Ill

i don’t know about you, but every time I get sick I think I have cancer. A cough and/or upper respiratory infection is lung cancer. A headache is a brain tumor. Diarrhea is colon cancer, and indigestion is esophageal cancer or possibly a heart attack. Uaually it just turns out that I had a cough, a headache, diarrhea, or indigestion.

Since I’ve been sick for almost 2 weeks with an upper respiratory infection, I’ve been getting my affairs in order for the inevitable  I pulled out the photo albums and looked through pictures of my loving family who I will probably never see again.  I wondered if they would miss me as much as I am missing them right now.  I cried for them and I cried for me. Then I moved on to cursing the ones who could care less about me and banished them from my impending funeral.  i wondered if the little ones would even remember me and pulled out the calculator to figure out exactly how long I had to live to stay in their memories   Two six year olds, divided by memory, divided by awesome things I did for them, equals at least three more years.  “OMG!,” I thought to myself “could I hang on another 3 years?”

Then I cursed myself for not updating my will and considered writing an addendum  I felt too sick to pull out a pen and paper.  This confirmed to me that I was about to die  I grabbed a box of Kleenex and cried and coughed up flem all night.  “Do I still want my fiefdom divided the way I wanted it divided last year?  I need to change my will because I’m sure I’m fighting with a different family member this year.  Come to think of it, maybe I should just divide the fiefdom equally because every year someone in the family has made amends for being an asshole and someone else takes over the role of asshole.  It’s  like musical assholes around here.”

Anyhoo, back to the point  I’m sick and probably dying of lung cancer…based on the cough and upper respiratory infection.

My gooogle search for home remedies convinced me that I was, indeed, dying of lung cancer.  I switched my search to cancer cures and found out that stress, lack of oxygen, lack of water, and a poor diet were the root causes of my self-diagnosed cancer.

Where the fuck can I find oxygen?  I thought it was in the air we breathe.  Do they sell that shit online?  I couldn’t find it anywhere, not even on Amazon.

Then I remembered grade school:  trees take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen  Humans take in oxygen and release carbon dioxide   So I googled trees and found out that one large tree can supply enough oxygen for 4 adults  Perfect.  I whipped out the calculator.  I have six large trees in my yard, divided by one adult, divided by small birds and maybe the occasional owl, definitely divided by squirrels, equals…..I’m killing my trees!  I need more adults to balance this ecosystem

So now I’m thinking maybe I have too much oxygen, not enough roommates, too many fucking squirrels, and not enough doctors.  Not to mention I’d prefer death than having to eat seaweed everyday for the rest of my life.

Then I read the very fine print on the cancer cure websites  It said they were not medical doctors and neither are you.  It said that they only practice in quackery and if you’ve been sick more than a week, you should consult a doctor now asshole instead of believing everything you read online

So maybe I’m the asshole in the family this year.  I can live with that.  I’m  not in my will.

Easy Potato Soup made Difficult

Potato soup is awesome!  Potato’s are very popular and have been for at least a couple hundred years.  I wonder if potatoes ever get a big head and how you would know that…..  It must feel really good to be popular for 100’s of years.  I’ve never personally met an arrogant potato, but that’s just my experience.  If you think about it, any person would feel good to be popular at least through grade school.  So cud-do’s to potatoes for kicking it for so long.  The potato has got it all goin on.  You are a starchy, tuberous, delicious, delight…

Everyone should have potato SOUP at least once in their lifetime.  If not this one, then the next…please.  It’s simple, satisfying, and perhaps a little hob-nobberish if you call it Vichyssoise.   I think that’s French for “I’m better than you cause you didn’t know about potato soup.”

But when my daughter asked me for the recipe for the potato…things got a little weird.  For most families, this type of request wouldn’t be a problem….

“Hey Ma…how’d you make that potato soup?”

“No problem doll, I’ll email you the recipe right now.  it’s easy.”

“Love you!”

“Love you too!”

No such luck in this family.  Daughter is a little challenged in the kitchen.  I know this because she called to ask how she’ll know when water is boiling.  I told her she would see the bubbles.  She asked how big they should be….ahhhhhhh!!!!!

So I did my best to draft an email to my daughter about how to make delicious potato soup.

This is an almost exact draft of my email to her.

“Hello Beautiful,

here we go….i’m going to put as much detail into this as i possibly can. don’t call me! i won’t have anything else to say…ha.

1. take out a large pot, preferably a clean one, and put it on the stove.

2. turn the heat on to your medium setting. (that would be the burner with the clean, empty pot on it.)

3. grab a stick of butter out of the fridge. don’t worry about the empty pot sitting on the burner. put the stick of butter near your pot.

4. now go grab about 3 or 4 medium sized onions and cut them up how ever seems best to you. I usually just cut them into quarters. if you don’t know what a quarter is. I have failed you in your education.

5. go back to the empty pot with your onions and a box of kleenex because you’ll be crying by now, or you could just run your hands under cold water. dump the onions into the pot. now put about 1/2 a stick of butter into the same pot.   Go searching for the pot lid that you forgot to take out when you started. this should give the butter just enough time to start melting.

6. stir the mixture up. put in some salt and pepper. put in a little less than you think you need. you can always add more. put a lid on it.  walk away.

7. grab 5 or 6 big potatoes. peel them and start to cut them up. oops! better check on those onions. go to the oven and give the onion and butter mixture a good stir.  make sure it’s not burning.

8. finish cutting the potatoes. at least 5 to 7 minutes should have passed by now. dump the potatoes into the pot. add more butter, (1/2 a stick), salt and pepper.

9 put some water in your tea kettle. its time for a cup of jo….just kidding. boil at least 8 oz of water. go stir your mixture.

10. put 4 cubes of chicken bouillon in a mug so it can dissolve.(don’t forget to put the boiled water into the mug…that’s what dissolves the bouillon.) it’ll probably take about 3 minutes to dissolve. dump it into the mixture and stir. If the water level is too far below the mixture, add more water, don’t add so much that it comes over the mixture.

11. turn the heat to high and bring it to a boil.

12. then adjust the heat to a slow boil and cook for about 10 to 15 minutes. just stick a fork in a potato to see if its cooked.

13 the fun part….whip out your new, handy dandy whipper upper.

14. take the pot off the stove. turn off your heat. and start whipping. (keep the whipper submersed while you are whipping or you will be badly burned and your walls will have a funny onion smell).

15. when its mostly pureed, put in a huge, really big, probably just should’ve used 2 tablespoons, tablespoon of sour cream. then add about a 1/4 stick to 1/2 stick of cream cheese.

16. mix again

you’re a soup goddess now!”

She called me 6 times after this email.

• 1st phone call: 3:24 pm

asked for the ingredients. FAIR ENOUGH. it is called potato soup so I didn’t think we’d have much trouble with that one. We were on the phone for about 4 minutes going over the minutia of potatoes. I learned alot.  Acme is having a sale on Green Giant Potatoes.

• 2nd phone call: 4:38 pm

asked me how to find the email i sent her about the potato soup…..NOT FAIR!

• 3rd phone call: 5:36 pm

told me that the onions might be burning and asked what to do…….Well……..just turn the heat up dear!

• 4th phone call: 6:03 pm

told me that the 8 oz of water didn’t seem like enough to boil the mixture in. I told her that I didn’t know how big or what size pot she was using so she would have to make that water level decision without me. But she did understand what I meant about the pot size and the water level.! Besides that, I already addressed that situation in #10.

• 5th phone call: 6:46pm

told me that she put a fork in one potato and it split. but then she tested another one and it didn’t split quite the same way. I said, “You’re Done and so are the potatoes! move on to the next step.”

• 6th phone call: 7:01pm

wanted to know if the mixer got hot while you were whipping HOT potato soup! I said she should re-read the directions for the mixer and the soup. I wasn’t supposed to get any phone calls.

Love,

Mom

Why the Easter Bunny should be a Chicken

There are a lot of reasons why the Easter Bunny should be a chicken.

1. Why does the bunny leave eggs?  If I weren’t so lazy I would google that.  But I am.  And I am.
2. I don’t know about you, but I eat CHICKEN on Easter.  Maybe a turkey if someone I know would return my roasting pan!
3. Bunnies are really hard to eat…they are just so adorable!  Soft, cuddly…ok…they eat your electrical wire but you should know that by now from all your friends who tried to warn you.  But that is the lure of the cuddly bunny.  It is powerful.
4. I never heard one person say that they wanted to cuddle with a chicken.  I guess that’s why we eat them.
5. Chickens, like Bunnies, are pretty quick.  I think they could get the job done even faster than a bunny.
6. I think if Chickens were in charge of Easter we’d have even more eggs!
7. Chickens need a whole new marketing campaign.  They are way to edible to be a spokesperson for any holiday although they supply almost every holiday with delicious delights.  Afflac seems to be doing really well with the chicken.  Maybe we should ask them.
8. Whose in charge of these chickens!  They should be fired immediately until we get some better holiday results.
9. Would anybody be willing to eat a bunny or its offspring?  I don’t know about eating them….but then again I’m not starving.  I do love their fur.  I would totally go for that as long as I didn’t have to be the one to scalp a cute, adorable, little, cuddly bunny.
10. Perhaps the mystery of the egg laying bunny at Easter time will just continue to go on until people realize that bunnies don’t lay eggs.  Chickens do…All hail the chicken!

Top ten reasons why blogging sucks

1.  Why am I even blogging?  Who cares?

2.  Oh….that’s right…I’m blogging because I can’t drunk text and drive anymore.  I used to do a lot of drunk texting and driving but that got me into trouble with the law enforcement agencies and the people who serve them in my town.   Now I have to settle for talking to strangers behind the wheel of my computer.

3.  Come to think of it, why is it so much harder to drive slow than to drive fast?

4.  Ok.  Back to the point.  I think I’m on number 3 because I got distracted.  I hate blogging because everyone has a 100 day challenge.  Why put so much pressure on yourself?  Your just setting yourself up for failure and more drunk texting and driving when you realize there are real writers in this universe who know what they are doing and have been practicing for a long time.  Don’t be discouraged…if you keep it up long enough you may be a real rabbit too someday.

5.   How do you categorize blogs?  …………………

6.  I mean…I think my blogs are funny…

7.  You see what I mean about why blogging sucks.  Maybe I should have posted that under mental illness.

8.  Do people follow me because they want to be followed or are they following me because they think I’m funny…which is where I post most of my blogs…and mental illness.

9.  Just how much time do I have to devote myself to blogging?  Who’s gonna do the dishes, wash the clothes, and plow the field?  That shit takes time…valuable time away from blogging.

10.  I’ll never be able to do a 100 day challenge and that makes me feel like I’m not a real blogger…but it also makes me feel good about myself.  I’m a rebel…a real pretend blogger.

Mrs. Potato Arrested for Child Endangerment

Hello everyone.  I’m Icey Mee and you’re watching the I.C.U. News Network.  We have THE scoop tonight on a story breaking in an undisclosed county jail.  This picture was smuggled out by a disgruntled child who went to visit her father.  We can confirm that the pictures are valid and that Mrs. Potato has been arrested on child endangerment charges, as well as a host of other charges, after an appearance on the ‘Stay Home Show’ where she was seen eating the free chips.

Authorities are telling us that although the chips were free, they were not for HER to eat as they are blood relatives.  Mrs. Potato was also booked on charges of theft, not having proper ID, and lending her arms to another person, which violates penal code #13452 in California.  This code clearly states that the government or corporations shall have the right to borrow your arms but a family member shall not.  It also clearly states that the government or corporation shall have the right to deny you healthcare, enslave you, starve you, jail you or bore you to death, but that the Parent, of said person, shall not.  She faces a minimum of 13 years in solitary confinement for these 3 charges.

Icey Mee is able to make phone contact with the child who smuggled the photos of Mrs. Potato out of the jail.  Her identity will remain private as she is a minor.

Icey Mee:  Hello and welcome to the show.  Why did you decide to take such a risk to smuggle out these photos?

Child:  I can’t take it anymore!  First they arrested Flynn Ryder and Maximus….(pause…child starts to cry).  Tangled was my favorite movie!  Whaaaa!  Whaaaa!  Boohoohoo.  Boohoohoo.  (Icey Mee waits for the child to be able to talk again).  Then I saw that they were trying to take my chips away!  I had to do something to stop this!  Whaaaa!  I love my chippies….Boohoo.  Boohoo.

Icey Mee:  I can see that you are very upset dear.

Child:  Are they gonna take my dippy sauce next?

Icey Mee:  Well I certainly hope no one takes your chips and dippy sauce.  Tell me, How did you get into the jail with a camera?

Child:  (She perked up a little bit).  Oh!  We all know how to do it.  Our parents watch Lock Down.

Icey Mee:  Why were you at the jail?  You’re just a little girl.

Child:  My dad is there.

Icey Mee:  Why is your dad there?

Child:  He said he was just trying to make a living.

Icey Mee:  It seems like you are more upset about your chippies and Flynn Ryder than your dad.  Can you talk to us about that?

Child:  I am upset about my dad.  But everyone says he is where he needs to be.  I don’t get it…but I’m sure that Flynn Ryder and Mrs. Potato don’t belong there.  Whaaa.  Whaaaaaa.  Boohoo.  Boohoo…hoo.

Icey Mee:  Oh honey, don’t cry.  You’ve done a very brave thing by letting us know that all of your favorite things have been taken away from you.

Child:  Boohoo…Is everything wrong?  Am I going to jail too?  I’m trying to be perfect but nobody believes me.  Whaaaa.  Whaaa.  Boohoo.

Icey Mee:  It is true that many people in the place you live will find fault with you.  But we at the I.C.U. News Network are going to help you.  Sweet dreams.

The conversation between Icey Mee and the little girl ends.

Icey Mee:  Welcome back to the I.C.U. News Network.  Thank you for joining us tonight.  The I.C.U. Network is putting out a call to help this little girl and the millions like her who have parents in jail.  It’s time to STOP incarcerating our society.  Everything is NOT a crime.  Maybe it is an opportunity to see where things can be changed.  Maybe it is an opportunity to look at our policies and practices regarding human beings of every race, religion, and color.  Maybe it’s time to wake up and count the roses, most of whom in this country are in prisons and jails.  Maybe it’s time to wake up and smell the torture of supermax prisons.  I would be arrested if I treated my dog that way.

Good Night.  And a good tomorrow.  Thank you for tuning in.

 

Interview with a Potato

Hello all, and welcome to the Stay Home Show.  I’m your host, the Stay at Home Philosopher.  Today we have a veeery special guest.  Known and loved by billions all around the world.  Whether you’ve run into him half baked, deep fried, or shredded, there is no denying the power of this starchy, tuberous crop.  Soooooo, without further ado, (as she WHIPS the audience into a frenzy) please welcome Potato to the Stay Home show.

The audience screams and shouts with joy!

I know they may look calm to you, but I couldn’t figure out how to get everyone’s hands up at the same time.  Trust me, they were ecstatic to see potato in his original form.

Stay at Home:  Mr. Potato, welcome to the Stay Home Show.  Welcome, Welllcoooome!  (Stay at Home laughs and drinks her beer while she waits for the audience to calm down).  Mr. Potato, you seem to have quite a following.  What do you attribute this to?  How did you rise to this level?

Potato:  Well, I have been around for a while.  (Potato laughs with the audience.  “Duhhhh, what a stupid question,” they think to themselves).  As a matter of fact, I’ve been around forever!  (Crowd and Potato still laughing at The Stay At Home Philosopher).

Stay at Home:  What do you mean you’ve been around forever?  (Stay at Home feels stupid about the question she just asked.  How is she supposed to know what a real potato is?  Does anyone know what a real potato looks like anymore?  Feeling backed into a corner, she decides to ask a hard hitting question to get her dignity back.  She doesn’t know much about Potato but she does know her history).  Are you hinting at the Irish Potato famine?  Were you there?  (audience goes silent).

Potato:  I’ve been blamed for good times and bad times throughout history and I took a lot of heat for it.  No pun intended.  (Audience and Potato laugh).

Stay at Home:  So you were there?

Potato:  Yes.  I was there. (Audience goes into a more silent hush than the previous hush).

Stay at Home:  So what you are telling us today is that you are responsible for the death of millions and the invasion, I mean emigration, of the Irish, to the United States.  (audience, most of whom are Irish, boooo Stay at Home).

Potato:  The Irish did depend heavily on me.  That was their mistake, not mine.  A lot of people would like to blame me for the blight, but it’s not my fault.  It was a political and social problem.  The same kind we have today.

Stay at Home:  Are you saying you’re not to blame for the death of millions with your rotted core and black leaves when you were the only thing that 80% of the Irish relied on?

Potato:  What I’m saying is that I’m just a potato.  I’m delicious and nutritious.  Loaded with vitamin C.  There are so many things that can be done with me including starting a war.

Stay at Home:  I think we can all agree that you are delicious.  Audience, raise your hand if you think Potato is delicious.  (Audience raises their hands).  But who said anything about a war?  Mr. Potato, are you saying that the United States had something to do with the Irish Potato Famine?  (Silence falls over the audience again).

Potato:  I wouldn’t say it’s their fault but they certainly have culpability in this matter.  (Audience screams and jeers at Potato.  His own wife starts to eat Potato chips.)

Stay at Home:  And is revenge what you’re up to Potato?  Did you reinvent yourself and make yourself with so many new and delicious flavors that Americans would become obese?  (Mr. Potato remains silent).  Answer the question Mr. Potato!  (the audience demands answers as well).

Potato:  If I knew you were going to go in this direction, I would have prepared a better answer yesterpotato.  All I can say, today, is that everyone would do well by taking 100% responsibility for all of history.  The earth would progress much more quickly.

The crowd goes into a frenzy and shreds Potato.

Stay at Home:  Thank you all for coming to today’s show.  Tomorrow, we’ll be making hash browns.  Our special guest will be Vegetable Oil.  Have a wonderful night!

 

I’m badly shredded but still alive!

 

Things I have in Common with the Buddha

           

1. Big Belly – check
2. Likes to laugh – check
3. Robe – check
4. Holds the secrets to the Universe – working on it
5. Can sit in Lotus position forever – I’m up to 10 minutes
6. Has a statue – hmmmm.  I’m gonna need a kiln.
7. Has very little hair – mine is falling out as we speak
8. Has many worshipers and followers – I have about 65 of the 6 billion people who inhabit our planet.  It’s a pretty good start!  Well, that’s on WordPress.  Nobody on Facebook really likes me too much.  I don’t get Facebook.
9. That’s all I know about Buddha.

How I got the Son of God to cut my grass

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First Text – 2:56 pm:  The grass is looking a little high.  I think it wants a hair cut.

No response from the Son of God…

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Second text – 3:42 pm

I guess you missed the mental imagery I was trying to convey in my last text. Maybe this will help

No Response from the Son of God…

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Third text – 4:50 pm

Help!!!!! I’ve fallen and I can’t cut the grass!

No Response from the Son of God…

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Fourth Text – 6:06 pm

This is a picture of my shed. What’s missing?
Answer: a lawn mower!

No Response from the Son of God…

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Fifth Text – 6:26 pm

Holy shit! The grass is threatening to kill itself if it doesn’t get a hair cut. Do you really want this on your hands?

The Son of God replies:  Fine Mom…I’ll be there in the morning.

God doesn’t take Advice so Well (“Kinda Drunk God” – Part 2)

Against his friends better advice, God left the bar with the woman in the corner, in red.  He took control of her car and they argued the entire way back to her place.  He told her she was a wreck and needed to get her life together.  She told him to fuck off and mind his own business.  “You drank every drink I bought for you tonight!” said the woman in red.  “I know,” said God calmly, “but I did it because it’s what you wanted me to do.  I can’t do anything that you don’t want me to do.”

“You are so arrogant and so pretentious I almost can’t stand it!  WTF does that mean?!?!  Am I to blame for everything I do and everything you do?!?!  Give me a break!  Why don’t you go pick up some whore that really needs help…the lady in red looks up for a moment then said…”turn left here.”

“OK, here we go!” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I don’t think this is the direction we should be going in.”

“I’m right, I’m wrong!  Can’t you make a fucking decision!..I can’t take it,”  yelled the woman in red.  “Just turn fucking left NOW!”

The next morning, God woke up in the bedroom of the woman in red.  She offered him cigarettes for his allergies and some coffee to help him get out of bed.  “What the fuck have you done to me now?” said God in a slightly unpleased but nevertheless accommodating tone of voice.  “I can’t move my legs, my speech is slurred, my eye sight is less than average, but you still look like a cool chick to me.  Can I get your number?”